Please know that I cried. I cried before I told you and after. It broke my heart to break yours. I’m so sorry. I’m just trying to do the best that I can. If you only ever read one post from this blog, right now – I would beg it to be this one.
Since your brother’s birth, there has been only ONE bond I have protected so fiercely … that I would tell off a stranger if they threatened it. That was the bond between the three of you. We have purposefully tried to minimize Alexander’s limitations and differences in your eyes… So that you would just accept our life – the way it was.
Usually, I’m ok; but right now I HATE that we are different.
We have to manufacture a bond. A bond between Mixie and Alexander. This is the only way the service dog can be a service dog to Alexander. The primary bond must be Mixie to Alexander. Mixie cannot bond with you.
The problem is, at this very moment, Alexander is not doing a whole lot. Alexander cannot play fetch with Mixie, run with Mixie, pet Mixie, feed Mixie, or even give Mixie treats. In Mixie’s eyes – Alexander is pretty boring. You, on the other hand… are not. You run, jump, could play fetch, and can feed Mixie. You can pet Mixie, purposefully.
Today, We told you that you would not be allowed to play with, pet, or feed Mixie treats. It broke my heart. When you asked, “Why not?” It broke my heart even further to explain how “different" your brother is… and why Mixie has to focus on being a ‘helper’ dog for Alexander.
I’m so sorry. I know we are going to Wal-mart tonight to buy you fish. And we keep asking the people from 4 Paws what we can do – they even discourage us from getting another dog for at least a year. (The two dogs could accidentally bond together.) Mommy and Daddy are actively trying to bond Mixie to Alexander, by petting her when Alexander is near, only allowing her on the bed when Alexander is near, and making sure Alexander “helps” to give Mixie her food. But – it is going to take time until Mixie believes Alexander is the coolest kid in the room. – So we can’t allow you to be “cool” to her.
I’m so sorry. I love you guys so much. I never meant to break your heart. I never meant to bring this amazing toy into our house – that is once again… Only for Alexander. I’m terrified I’m going to drive a wedge between the 3 of you.
Please don’t let that happen. Please be thankful for all the blessings you have. Please understand, we are only trying to do what is best for our family… and it is so hard.
We love you. Someone – Please – Remind me that we are doing the right thing here…
I am a former teacher, turned SAHM. I have 3 children. The twins, Andrew and Addison, turned 3 years old in October. I also have a 1 year old baby who was born with a very rare chromosomal disorder - Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome. The good, the bad, the ugly.. all here. Because this blog keeps me from drinking.
you are doing the right thing. It is difficult, but they will be okay. Just the fact that you are SO aware gives them a huge advantage. Big hugs for you all!
Thank you so much!!! I keep praying that being aware does make the difference.
Something tells me that your kids inherited your smarts and your heart–they’ll understand one day.
(hugs))
Melissa recently posted..Pajama Party
Really – I will probably write this a thousand times – but thank you for the reassurance that they would understand someday. I need them to.
you are doing the right thing. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, but you are doing the right thing. That’s all I can offer. I have no words of wisdom or experience from which to speak..just know I love you and am here for you.
Joanna – that is what makes you so awesome. Sometimes you just listen.
Many, many hugs. This will get sorted out, animals are so much more intuitive than we know — that’s why they are so good in circumstances like this. And your kids will get it, too. Because they love Alexander more than the dog and you more than the dog. The dog is new now, but they will choose their brother and what’s right for him. (((HUG)))
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Thank you so much! So sorry it took me so long to reply – I guess you know it has been crazy around here. I appreciate all the support. Seriously.
This is a tough one. Children and dogs are naturally drawn to each other. Good luck with establishing the boundaries! Hopefully all parties will catch on quickly! So glad you have this opportunity.
Thanks. Now that we are home – the twins are really starting to “get” that Mixie is fun… and it is really tough. Keep us in your prayers!
You are doing the right thing. It is so hard to have differences. Every time we have to make an accommodation for our daughter and it effects the other kids I feel terrible. Your daughter will understand one day, and she is going to have special insights that other people who don’t have siblings with special needs lack. Big hug to you!!
Jennifer recently posted..Denial, It’s Not A River In Egypt
Jennifer – you are so right. Everytime we get everything sort of “evened” out – we add something new and it sort of skews the whole thing again. *sigh* I hope you are right. Now, Addison is the one who is really into Mixie and it is so hard to break her heart over and over. (Sorry it took me so long to reply – craziness over here!)
Aw, Kristen…my heart broke as I read this. I have been wondering how the twins were adapting to the “new dog,” and I kind of expected that this would be the response… I mean, why wouldn’t it be? They are 3, and there is an amazing new dog in the home. I know that this must be so hard; disappointing our children is so very difficult. I hope and pray that everything works out. One thing I do know is that they love their brother– the bond is obvious. I am sure that Mixie will not impact that love. xo
As always, thanks for your support.
Sorry it it so difficult..especially When Andrew & Addison cannot fully understand the situation. In the big picture though it is exactly what needs to be done. Sending hugs!
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Thanks for reminding me.. the big picture. *sigh* The big picture. > Maybe I need to tattoo that on my head? So I can remember? I just don’t know how to make them “less interesting” than Alexander. Thanks for the support. Sorry it took me so long to reply!
We don’t have a service dog for our daughter, but I have had similar conversations with my son. There are so many times that we have to explain something “special” we are doing for his sister that he doesn’t do or get. Those moments are very hard, but he understands (maybe not at the time, but over time). At 5.5, he only wants to protect his sister, even though he treats her like any sibling too (fighting, playing, laughing, annoying).
Mom on a Line recently posted..My Kids
There is a big part of me that wants to say: “You know your cousin? Alexander and him are the same age….” so they can really understand how delayed Alexander is. But … a bigger part of me wants to protect their innocence a little longer, so I don’t. It just kills me that they don’t understand – the therapists, the toys, and now the dog: all for Alexander. *sigh* Thanks so much..
Kristen,
The 5 of you are in my prayer. It is difficult to explain differences to small children but they are from strudy stock and will overcome this. If it is possible and you want to bring the twins to see me and our dog Lucy please feel free. I don’t know if it would make matters worse but the offer does stand. Ask cousin Brooke or Aunt Linda for my address and come over and see us. Lucy loves children and we have a closed in back yard that they can come and play. You are a great mom and it is at times hard to see the long term outcome and such close range. Keep up the great work. Facebook me if you want and have the time. I love you and what you are doing for your children.
Sherry
Sherry – thanks so much! You never know – I might just take you up on that offer to bring the twins over. Thank you so much for the offer – and thanks for the continued support. Sometimes it is just hard to know if you are doing the right thing.
That’s tough on Momma ! But I promise kids that age are amazing creatures and they adapt SO easily.
Really Kristen I hate to have to break out in song here but you’ve forced me to!
All they need is love……
The rest will fall into place after a short period of adjustment, I promise.
Love ya friend.
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Love ya friend too. And – Love, I’ve got tons of. Just keep cheering me on – please. Because this is stinking exhausting – seriously…. So thank you. For all the support. xo
The twins are so much more perceptive than we realize I think. Just knowing them a few days, they don’t SEE how Alexander is different. To them he is NORMAL! That’s a good thing! It means you & Ray are doing the right thing in more ways than one. They may not “get it” now, but they will when they get a little older. I fully believe this experience is only going to help you…ALL of you. We’ll keep you in our thoughts & prayers!
Thanks Dea! I’m so thrilled we got to know you – and thanks. You saw us in such a snapshot – your sweet words mean so much. I’m glad they see him as normal. I love that. I just wish I knew how to explain that … if he is “normal” – why does he get so many special things? *sigh* I might need to send myself to counseling!
Oh this breaks my heart. You’re doin the right thing, you’re so doing the right thing. Mixie has to be able to do her job. So sorry y’all are struggling.
Life As Wife recently posted..It’s His Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To
Thanks so much! Seriously – I need all the encouragement we can get right now!
I had to grab my chest from the ache I felt while reading this. I appreciate your open heart immensely.
Charlie recently posted..Laura
Charlie – I love that you and I have met in this bloggy world. I’m so thankful for your friendship and constant support. It makes my heart calm.
I am so sorry. I didn’t even think of this. It makes total sense though. I know you are doing the right thing!
Jenny recently posted..Project 52: True Love
Yeah – we worried about it… but didn’t quite think it would be this hard. Plus… Alexander has been so floppy after 2 weeks without physical therapy… He now is doing a lot less. He will get stronger again, but it will take time. Anyway – thanks so much!
My prayers are with you guys. A good friend who’s daughter has Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome sent me your your post on Facebook knowing that we have Magpie from 4 Paws. We have a 2 year old and we worried constantly the first couple months about Magpie bonding with her instead of our son (Autism, Epilepsy, mild CP, and PVL). We’ve really had to work (and continue to do so) to help them bond. We were lucky that the 2 year old didn’t seem to care much about Magpie (or any of the other dogs at training). We have a small dog at home and apparently she’s decided she is hers. Occasionally we’ll catch her giving Magpie a kiss, but then she just walks off.
Things are always so much harder for us mommies aren’t they? I can tell you are just heart broken and I know you’ll find peace. Stay the course and remember what an amazing thing you are doing for your little guy. We’ll continue to pray for you guys and those sweet little monkeys.
Bobbie recently posted..Mommy’s Tears
Bobbie – you know – I’m so glad you commented here. I so wish we had another dog (or even a cat) to “give” to the twins. But we don’t. Our other dogs were in failing health and were put down late summer and a last month. They also snapped so we didn’t trust them around the kids. I wish I had thought about this and gotten another dog last year… it just didn’t occur to us. They told us not to get another dog for another year – because the two dogs could bond. ugh. But on a different note – Isn’t 4 Paws amazing?!?
You are quite simply the most amazing mother…… I did not give this aspect of you guys getting a dog one single thought. It’s so sad for the twins but gosh you have such a way with words…… they will understand I hope.
Susan – you are awesome. Thanks for the encouragement. Seriously. We really didn’t think this far ahead to realize how hard it was going to be. That conversation was so stinking difficult. Seriously. So – thanks for being here for us.
Oh, Kristen. I’m so sorry! This has got to be so hard. I have a friend who has a service dog for her daughter. The benefits have been miraculous, but I know it was hard for the same reasons you have written about here. Sending prayers your way!
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Adrienne – you are such an amazing blogger. You write, read, comment on everyone’s post. You make everyone feel so …. loved – so I thank you for that. And for letting me know your friend’s daughter has had miraculous benefits. We live in such a “now” world – everyone wants to see results now. It is hard to work through the growing pains.
Why is it that so many things that are good and wonderful are also so hard?
It doesn’t seem fair.
I’m so sorry for the struggle here; for your broken heart and the twins’ confusion.
I can try to look for the silver lining, the “life lesson” and compassion and generosity they’re learning…
But in the short run, that can’t possibly help.
It’s just hard. No getting around that, really.
Still, I believe it is the right thing. And in the long run there will be silver linings all over the place.
And rainbows. And sunshine.
You all deserve it.
julie gardner recently posted..Today call me unromantic
Rainbows and Sunshine. Do you know how much I needed to hear that? Like – really needed to hear that? Right now we are in the midst of storm clouds. And I know we are going to hit sunshine. You made me smile. The thought of Alexander waiting at the hospital with meds all ready pulled for him makes me smile. The idea that we don’t need to take him to a hospital because we were able to give him medicine and stop it at home. Silver Lining. Rainbows. Thanks for this reply. I needed it.
Of course you’re doing the right thing!! Difficult as it is, your strength and the strength of your kids will make this happen. Remember – FAIR doesn’t mean everybody gets the same things. It means everybody gets the things they need. As a loving mom, you’re hanging on as you negotiate the bumps in the road, and you’re giving your kids the things they need. Hang in there.
Oh – that was ingrained in our heads growing up. fair does not mean equal. fair means you get what you need. Thanks for reminding me. Love this. keep praying for us because the kids keep finding new ways about how Mixie is cooler than they thought.
You’re doing the right thing, honey. The twins will understand why, in the long run, it had to be like this, and they are still blissfully young… the pain of the transition will pass, Mixie will become Alexander’s tool to help him communicate with the world, and Andrew and Addison will understand. I promise.
Ours are not choices that are made easily. But you’re doing the best you can, in the circumstances you’re in, and the twins will appreciate that over time.
Not Supermom – I know you understand where I am. I know you get it. I know … you really … really … get it. I can’t wait to tell you all about Mixie and fundraising because – I know you get it.
I just want them to always know I love them.
I do. I understand completely. In our own situation, we had to make a similar sacrifice. But, now it’s years later, and I can honestly say it was the best decision we made. Really. Mommy Guilt can be a hell of a thing, particularly when life forces to treat our children in ways that our brains scream is unfair.
And we’ve started our own journey in a somewhat related direction… our Dog Child is enrolled in the first of a series of classes to certify him as a therapy dog.
I can’t wait to hear the rest.
I know it is hard for you to handle this kind of situation but I also know that you can settle things perfectly in the future. My prayers are with you and your family.
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Thanks for the prayers. We need them Now! So much on our plate – my next blog post!! So many things still need to be put into place. *sigh* prayers!!
You are doing the right thing. Hugs to you. That sounds so so hard. Good thing your kids have you for a mom.
Thanks Amy. I appreciate it. I hope my kids continue to be thankful they have me for a mom…. whew – I’m really trying!
I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be of all of you. Even though you ARE doing the right thing. Sending virtual hugs.
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Meleah – thanks for the support and hugs. And thanks for finally writing something other than your Daddy’s paper towels
xo girl. Thanks for just…. being a presence around here.
HA!
and, you’re welcome.
xoxo
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