As most of you know – we are in training for our service dog. After our debacle with our “housing incident” – things only went down hill from there. The final straw was when the shower (or toilet… I like to believe it was shower) began leaking into the living room. We packed up our things in between training and have moved into 2 hotel rooms. All is well – but I feel like a HERO for lining up a guest post for today. My first guest post:
Helene is my Hero. Seriously. She has 2 (I repeat – 2) sets of twins. When there is a day that I wonder what the heck just happened to me? – I wonder over to her blog… and laugh. Because that is what she makes me do – laugh. Or sometimes think. Or sometimes just remember what is important. She’s good like that. So, while we are doing this crazy gig in Ohio, I decided I wanted my first “guest post.” She was my first thought… Because I knew she would be Perfect. And she is. Enjoy. Then make sure you go visit her website I’m Living Proof that God has a Sense of Humor and give her some love. By the way – her tag line – About better to have your hands full than empty and a broken heart? Love. It.
When Kristen asked me if I wanted to do a guest post, I jumped at the opportunity. Because I love her. No, seriously. I have a blog crush on her. She’s the Jenny to my Forrest. The Angelina to my Brad. Except I’m not a man. And we’re not celebrities. Nevertheless, you get the point. I hope. I completely admire Kristen’s pure honesty and the way she expresses her emotions. She has a funny side, a serious side, a sentimental side (shhhh, don’t let her kids know that) and, best of all, she’s just an all around good-natured person. My dear Kristen has recently chosen to be a SAHM so I thought I’d write a SAHM’s Survival Guide, in her honor. Or in memory of her former life. Whichever.
The SAHM’s Survival Guide
1) The transition from being a work-outside-the home mom to a stay-at-home mom is monumental. And it sucks…big time. Let’s just put that out there right now. Now, you have bosses who are whiny, demanding, ungrateful and smelly. Well, maybe you were dealing with that before even in the working world. Your time is no longer your own. There will be no lunch breaks, certainly no bathroom breaks and no sleeping on the job. There’s no more gossiping around the water cooler, unless of course, there’s a huge scandal on Sesame Street when Oscar decides to beat the shit out of Elmo because he has a girlie voice. Your former colleagues are continuing to go out to lunch together and have adult conversations, while you are left at home with “fruit salad, yummy, yummy” running through your head. It’s a 24/7 job, people. Believe that…and toughen up.
2) Rome wasn’t built in a day, therefore, you should not be expected to clean your house every single day. For crying out loud, even God rested on the 7th day. For real. Don’t kill yourself with unrealistic expectations. And just accept the fact that your house will always be a chaotic mess while there are still rugrats living under your roof. If your husband gets pissy because there’s dust on the window blinds, shove the feather duster in his hand (as opposed to up his ass) and yell at him, “Dude, I kept the kids alive ALL. DAY. LONG. Do you even know how challenging that is?!”
3) Don’t be surprised if you begin to chase total strangers down just to enjoy an adult conversation. At first, you might savor the ability to stay home for hours, without having to deal with traffic or rude strangers who want to touch your new baby. But at some point, you will crave human interaction. Aside from what the kids can provide, of course. You won’t realize it, though, until you’re on the phone with a customer service rep who had the unfortunate luck of answering her line at the wrong time. When she asks how your day is going, she’s sure to get an earful. “So nice of you to ask. I’m actually having a super crappy day, yo. The kids refuse to get dressed, there’s flour all over the kitchen when I got a wild hare up my ass to try to bake some cookies, my house smells like a goddamn zoo and I think my husband is lying to me about what time he really has to go into the office every day….” Do yourself a favor and make some Mommy friends. Join Meetup.com to find a playgroup in your area, befriend a lonely looking mom at the playground, chase complete strangers down when you’re taking the kids for a walk. Who cares how you do it…just do it. You’ll be glad you did.
4) Expect others to not have a full understanding that you do, in fact, work full-time. You will constantly get asked this dreaded question, “So you don’t work? You just stay home?” Before bitch-slapping the fool who says this to you, take a deep breath. Think of a happy place. And then reply, “I do work. At home. Taking care of my kids. All day long. What do you do, besides making an ass out of yourself on a consistent basis?”
5) Develop coping strategies for stress. Practice deep breathing, turn yourself into a human pretzel doing yoga, eat marshmallow fluff from a jar with your fingers, listen to happy music, pray to Buddha. Pick your poison, people. Remember when you were working and a co-worker would piss you off…you could close the door to your office and curse them out behind their back. Well, now you don’t have that luxury. The kids are in your face every minute of the day. That’s at least 14 hours a day…or 840 minutes to be exact. So find something that makes you smile and helps you release some stress. When all else fails, drink wine directly from the bottle. Other moms do it. You can too. Besides, it’s one less glass you have to wash.
6) You are more creative than you give yourself credit for.
<<————- Enough said.
7) Don’t beat yourself up for wearing your hair in a ponytail everyday, for forgetting to put on make-up, wearing the same pair of pants for the 3rd day in a row and not taking a shower for 4 days straight.
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| What you looked like BEFORE staying home with your kids |
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| What you look like NOW |
There’s no need to apologize for looking like you just got run over by a cement truck. Being a stay-at-home mom is not glamorous. Remember, June Cleaver was a fictional character, people. The only one expecting perfection is YOU. So lower the bar a little and don’t be so hard on yourself. If you really need a shower, see #6. That kid ain’t going nowhere while you lose yourself in some temporary serenity.
8) If you find yourself feeling depressed and questioning your sanity (and trust me, you will), get outside if you can. Take the kids for a walk, a bike ride, whatever. Just get outdoors and enjoy some fresh air and/or the sunshine. It’ll do you a world of good. If you can’t do that, get online and reach out to someone. That’s the beauty of the blogosphere, Twitter, Facebook…there’s always someone out there who’s “been there, done that” and can be a huge source of comfort and encouragement. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Remember, it takes a village to raise a child.
9) Never, ever compare yourself to other moms. It’s a cardinal sin, my friends. Just because Hallie Happy Homemaker bakes homemade cookies for her kid’s class, volunteers 3 days a week, runs the PTA, and craps unicorns and sparkly rainbows does not make her a perfect parent. You can bet your sweet ass that she yells at her kids, nags her husband and looks like holy hell by the time 6:00 pm rolls around. No one is a perfect parent. And that’s the God’s honest truth. We all do the best we can by following our hearts. We love our children and want what’s best for them. And, in the end, we hope they can forgive us for the mistakes we’ll undoubtedly make, while we sock away every last penny for their future therapy sessions. Lastly, be good to yourself…cut yourself some slack. You’ll have good days and bad days, you’ll question why you left the corporate world to stay home with your kids, you’ll wonder if going to college was a complete waste of your time…you will have days where you may feel incompetent, inadequate, useless and helpless. But…and this is HUGE….don’t ever forget that you are loved, needed and appreciated. Even if the little demon spawn don’t know how to show those emotions, other than yelling, “Mommy, can you wipe my butt…again?”. Someday, they will understand the sacrifices you have made for them.
And they will thank you.
Helene Gaither I’m Living Proof That God Has a Sense of Humor
I’m a contributing author in the newly released book, From the Heart: A Collection of Stories and Poems from the Front Lines of Parenting. Check out the book by visiting http://writeforcharity.wordpress.com/the-book/.
I am a former teacher, turned SAHM. I have 3 children. The twins, Andrew and Addison, turned 3 years old in October. I also have a 1 year old baby who was born with a very rare chromosomal disorder - Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome. The good, the bad, the ugly.. all here. Because this blog keeps me from drinking.
As always, Helene can make me laugh! Great tips. The transition from work to SAHM was a rough one for me too. It was harder than I thought it’d be! But in a good way, of course.
Lisa @ Two Bears Farm recently posted..Getting My Chickens All in a Row – Rural Thursday Blog Hop
Thanks, Lisa! The transition was difficult for me as well! 7 years later I’m still trying to figure it out!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Hilarious! I love the before and after Barbies — but it’s more true than I’d like to admit!
Be good to yourself!
Emily recently posted..Discipline, Interrupted
Thanks Emily! I definitely look more like the After Barbie at this point in my SAHM career!!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Oh Helene, that was PERFECT! Right now I would kill for Elmo to be on right now so I can have a little bit of quiet.
Heather’s Happenings recently posted..My Circle
Thanks Heather!! I’ve had my share of days like that too! I used to love when Yo Gabba Gabba would come on just so I could get a good 25 minutes of quiet. Except then the songs would be running through my head all day long.
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
I love Helene, there is no other way to put it….and that baby in the makeshift chair/swing…..PURE HILARITY!!!
Thank you!! That pic totally cracked me up too!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Helene is hilarious! Love her!
Dawn recently posted..Should I Get Used To Cold Food?
Thanks Dawn!!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Hilarious Helene. I love the truth that exists in this post. You know what I think most of us are just doing the best we can with our own set of individual circumstances. Hardest job in the world.
Angela recently posted..Keeping the Peace
Thanks Angela! It is definitely the hardest job in the world, without a doubt!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Spot on! And I don’t look like either of those Barbies because I’m fatter than three Barbies put together.
IASoupMama recently posted..What Valentine’s Day Plans?
Thanks, C!!! You are not fatter than those Barbies!!! Stop!! You are awesome!!!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
This list is so funny, and true! I am a teacher turned sahm too. It’s been a rough transition Thank goodness for wine, ponytails, and Twitter! Good luck with your new job:)
Jennifer recently posted..Camera trick
Thanks Jennifer! Wine, ponytails and FB…those are my crutches!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Thank you SO much for having me as your first guest poster!!!!!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Great post – but from Helene I wouldn’t expect anything less. Now I’m off to NOT clean my house. And I’m okay with that.
Teri M. recently posted..wordless wednesday: the mighty m family
Thanks Teri! The dusting can wait…kids are only little once!! Love your plan!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Very inspirational perceptive she has.. We should thinks like here.. Life is more fun with her!
Ginger recently posted..Looking For Animal Cremation Alberta?
Thanks Ginger!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
This is so funny…and so true! Loved the illustrations, too!
Kathy recently posted..Tales Worth Telling…
Thanks Kathy! The pics cracked me up, too!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
I’m bookmarking this and showing it to the next person who asks me what I do all day. At home. With my 1-year-old. And two dogs. By myself.
Life As Wife recently posted..A Not So Wordless Wednesday
Thank you! That is my biggest peeve, when strangers just assume I sit around on my ass all day, eating bon bons.
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
awesome and laugh out loud funny– oh my the pictures!
wendy @ mama one to three recently posted..This Is (Not) a Love Song
Thanks Wendy! Glad you liked the pics!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
I was sitting in the back seat of the car giggling reading this on my smart phone, finally my Mom said “what in the world are you doing back there?” Just love you sense of humor Helene.
Kristen-babe ya did good!
jen recently posted..As if they were lovers…
Thanks Jen!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
I struggled a lot last year so I had people take care of me and Chunky. But now that I’m better, I’m diving right into being a SAHM…and let me tell you…it is effed up. I never knew how hard this job actually is.
#2 I struggle with because I feel that the house must be clean…husband works so I should too…I know…totally 1950′s of me
And I find myself trying to strike up conversations with other adults in odd places like the ladies room.
What?
I washed my hands first.
Kimberly recently posted..Believe In You
Thanks Kim! I talk to total strangers in public restrooms too. You never know when you’ll meet another mom who’s desperate for adult conversation, right?
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
AMEN!!! And the Barbies are far too accurate.
Charlie recently posted..Laura
Thanks Charlie! The Barbies are definitely accurate, at least in my case!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
I totally violate rule #9 all the time.
Oh Sarah, me too! I try my best not to compare myself but I always end up doing it anyway. Just remember you’re doing the best you can. Your kids love YOU for YOU, not Hallie Happy Homemaker!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
The he before and after Barbies = HILARIOUS. Thanks for the laughs!
meleah rebeccah recently posted..My Daddy and The Paper Towels
Thanks for reading! Glad you liked the Barbie pics!!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Helene…hilarious as always….now i need to get to the toilet i am laughing so hard except the twins are in the pathway and i don’t want to ‘disturb’ them!!!You sumed up being a SAHM so well…going to print this out and stick it on the fridge i think!!! By the way…how strong do you think that tape needs to be to hold 18 month olds???
Kristrin…great blog you have here, i shall enjoy having a poke around…off to find a way to follow you!
Hi! Here from Helene’s blog. Great post, Helene!!! I should of asked you for all of that advice. It’s such a weird and different experience … That a lot of moms go through. Right now, I’m at the stage of questioning WHY I wasted time on my B.A.
Love the picture!!! And the meetup.com advice is the best!
Amory/Irish Twins Momma recently posted..Love notes
Thanks Amory! You’ve just transitioned to being a SAHM too so I figured you’d appreciate this post! The sad thing is I have a BA in Child Devt and a MA in Psych and with all that time and energy I spent on that education still didn’t clue me in to how hard motherhood would be!!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
OMG I was laughing out loud…serious LOL. love # 2, 5 and 9 are total descriptions for me. I do still work full time but I can somewhat relate and love the advice for when I retire and still have kiddos at home. Wonderful guest post!!!! Thanks Helene
Thanks Erika!! So you at Marshmallow fluff out of a jar with your fingers too?? I think I love you!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Oh Helene, I just love you and your humor. You make me laugh so hard and it’s always with the truth. Yup. You make the truth funny! Quite an art. I adore the picture of the baby duct taped to the wall. (Haven’t we all thought about it?)
I just finished babysitting my daughter’s 16 month old while she was out of town and it all came rushing back to me. Being a SAHM is not for the weak of heart and definitely for the under 40 crowd. After 3 days I was so exhausted I wanted to crawl under the kitchen sink and hide. And this from a woman who does an hour of yoga every day and 2 1/2 hours 2x per week. Nope. Can’t compare that to being the SAHM of little ones. (I had 5.) You’re my hero and congratulations on an excellent guest post. Blessings, Tia
Thanks Tia! So happy to “hear” from you! Being a SAHM is definitely not for the weak of heart! The up side to being a grandma though is that you can send the grandkids home after a few days and recuperate…heehee!!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Helene, you can always crack me up. That picture in #6 is priceless. I love it!
Barbara recently posted..That was the day….
Thanks Barbara!!! So….should I expect to see pics on your blog of Nathan duct-taped to a wall? I’m telling you, I’ve been so tempted to do that to my kids!
Helene recently posted..The SAHM’s Survival Guide
Brilliant, Helene, as always!!! One of the things about my “new life” that makes me just cackle is how much I [used to] “enjoy” conversations with customer service people. [That was before nap times were more limited, and talking on the phone with children who are awake has to rival water-boarding.] I could literally go 10 hours without talking to anyone but my infants, and so – during naptime – I would often take the opportunity to call the folks who make chocolate chips / cream cheese / vanilla flavoring / chicken broth / whatever…I can almost always cook up a semi-legitimate cooking question, right? I would get some adult interaction, AND I would often score coupons, too…which was helpful to our recently-reduced income.
What’s so funny to me is that – in a former life – I worked for several manufacturers. I would always wonder, “Who would take the time to call and ask a question about cooking a hot dog? C’mon folks…get a life!”
Now I know.
MandyE recently posted..Don’t Over-romanticize the Twinship…and DON’T TOUCH MY KID!
That’s SO funny, Mandy!! I’ve been that desperate before, as well!! I would call our phone company or electric company to see what I could do about reducing our bills, just to talk to another adult!!
Thanks for reading!
Helene recently posted..Bread machine fail #6
So hilarious Helene. I look and feel like that older version of Barbie after 7 children. LMBO. SAHM has got their work cut out for them. Your ideas are fabulous, especially the baby duct-tape to the wall. Too too funny. Hate to say it but sometimes I hike myself to the office to get some down time. There’s none at home.
Sela Toki recently posted..My very ownTarot card reader
I agree with you Helen about not comparing yourself to other Moms which the very common mistake that we always made. I admit that when things get awfully undone to me I used to compare myself to other Moms but anyway I learn a lot and thanks for taking time to post here.
Zia Courtney recently posted..Timber Doors