I’m afraid this is going to come out wrong… so if at the end of this post – you want to unfollow, unsubscribe, or un-anything… I will understand. I might want to unsubscribe to myself too.
I’m sucking at this SAHM thing. And let’s be clear… I’m not used to sucking. I mean… I know I’ve mentioned it before, but – I don’t do things unless I’m sure I’m going to be good at them.
Structure, I can handle. Business – I can handle. I’ve always been this way. I’ve written my college papers at the last minute, I’ve gone on minimal sleep, I’ve pushed myself to the edge.
But what happens when I don’t have to get dressed every day? Do you know how many days I’ve spent in the hot pink velvet sweat pants? Do you know how many days the kids haven’t been dressed until lunch time?
I thought they would stop acting out when I was home… I think they are acting out MORE!
Before – it was easy to keep structure from 4pm until bedtime. Enforce the rules, have some fun, play, … you know. Honestly – don’t hate me – but we get compliments all the time on the twin’s behavior. They listen. We can take them out to restaurants, to the store, basically everywhere. People come up to us regularly because they are such good listeners. You know why I think that was? Because … maybe I’m only able to be a good parent in short stints. It isn’t hard to make rules and enforce them for 3 or 4 hours a day.
But now? CRAP. From 6am until 8pm? I SUCK! I don’t have the ability to give them structure. I don’t want to yell at them all day. So, I let some things slide. They do things now that I never let them do before. They have realized that sometimes I give in – so they push back. But… I just don’t want to be a 24/7 enforcer. So, yes… sometimes I let them run around in their underware. But, then I can’t get them to stop to get dressed. I think I suck at this.
I’m not used to it. I don’t do things unless I’m sure I can be… like the best there ever was at it. What am I supposed to do if I’m terrible? What am I supposed to do if I really suck at this?
Truth? The house isn’t really any cleaner. The laundry isn’t always done. I’ve tried to balance the checkbook 3 times and I just can’t seem to make it work.
What if I’m better at teaching than I am at mothering??
Thanks Shell … for letting me Pour My Heart Out.