When I was in college, my best friend’s mom raised foster children. Walking into their house was like walking into the Twilight Zone. I’m not going to lie, for a twenty-something know-it-all, the parenting style was drastically different than anything I’ve ever been exposed to.
One thing that really startled me were the lists. Lists were everywhere. Lists on the fridge about how much food was allowed at a meal time and what an appropriate serving should be. Checklists in the bathroom for personal grooming tasks. I mean… come ON… there were procedures explained for everything!
The grown up me would like to apologize for the arrogance of my twenty-something know-it-all self.
If you read last week’s post, you know that we were rejected over and over again. We believed we would not be getting a kid from the inner city.
The night before the program started we received a surprise phone call – one family finally selected us! We were getting our kid from the city! Woo Hoo!!!
What I learned in the next week about “Mothering” a child of whom I am not the “Mother” would change my life.
Expectations from both sides are easily built and quickly crushed. 
We asked for a six or seven year old boy. We knew Andrew liked to think he was about ten years old, and thought he would enjoy having a boy to play with. We also wanted to avoid the conflict/drama from Addison if she felt another girl was getting her share of cuddles or attention. Finally, Andrew sometimes has girlfriend crushes… we wanted to avoid those.
We expected he would just fit nicely into our family. We expected he would understand things of value to us… like sitting at the dinner table during meal time. We expected he would respect our wishes and accept our affection.
I doubt we were the only ones with expectations. I imagine he expected our house would have similar rules to his own. I imagine he expected we would respect his wishes and conform nicely to his idea of parental figures.
We were both wrong.
Our expectations were just wrong. What I learned was – he had a lot to teach me. I had a lot to learn about patience, forgiveness, love, and acceptance of someone who wasn’t raised with the values I instilled in my children. I learned that teaching these things at age seven could be frustrating and possibly futile. And the truth is… while I wanted him to say please and thank you at my house, I really struggled with how much to “enforce” this because I didn’t want to change the value system his own parents held dear. It was a lesson in patience and acceptance.
I realized why those lists existed at my college roommate’s parents’ house. “How would those children know the expectations of them if not reminded?”
There were many times this child from the city and I were at odds over different things and I offered forgiveness in a new way – because this he just needed it. And finally, I found myself loving a child I did not give birth to, asking him to return next year, and grieving just a bit when he left for home.
I write this because I feel people find themselves “Mothering” a child with whom they are not the “Mother” of… and expectations is the one thing I would change about our entire journey. I would change my expectations of what he would be and how he would fit. I would focus more energy on loving the boy from the city.
I hope you decide to participate in some program that allows you to open your hearts and homes to other children.
I hope you can expect … nothing and receive … everything.
Thanks Shell, for letting me share the second part of my story.
I am a former teacher, turned SAHM. I have 3 children. The twins, Andrew and Addison, turned 3 years old in October. I also have a 1 year old baby who was born with a very rare chromosomal disorder - Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome. The good, the bad, the ugly.. all here. Because this blog keeps me from drinking.
That’s great that you had a family pick you!
So true about expectations. It’s not fair of any of us to expect other people’s kids to instantly know the rules of our own families or to start to follow them right away. The kids are just doing what they know. And even if they’ve had good values instilled in them, it still doesn’t mean they’ll always stick to those!
Shell recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: 35 Years
You are so right. It was even little things … like – we sit at the dinner table until the meal is over or we don’t do something right after I tell him not to. We actually had an incidence where Mixie was tipped over in her kennel – but again, it is just different. He was not used to the expectations that we had. But – it was a great experience and we have talked to him several times since he went home. We can’t wait for him to come back next year.
Expectations are probably the downfall of many new relationships!
This is a wise post.
Julie recently posted..He’s a big kid now! #iPPP
OMG. You are SOOOOO right!!! If I could take back all the expectations I had from new relationships in general… wow – how different life would be.
I have been eagerly awaiting for updates! *Grins* Love this post
I believe we all meet people for a reason, whether it is to teach or be taught. Sometimes, it’s both.
I’m so happy you got to experience all of this. I think a lot of parental figures try so hard to put kids into a ‘box’ where they feel like the child should fit into their ideals and what have yous that a lot gets lost in between.
And yes, I can relate to what you’re saying, how difficult it is to enforce the morals and values you instill in your own children when a child wasn’t raised the same. I used to find myself gritting my teeth because some kids in my family are the same. They don’t say please or thank you but then I realized that it’s their upbringing. It isn’t the kid that’s being unruly.
When dealing with the unknowns…I like to expect that I will learn something from the experience, no matter what happens.
You have a big heart and reading about this makes my heart smile.
Dylan Lin Calista recently posted..How Do You Deal With Change?
I Loooooooovee reading your comments. Seriously! Thanks for “getting it” Sometimes it is really hard to figure out how much we should pass on to children who are not our own. What if we pray every day before a meal and his parents don’t believe in God? I really want to respect their wishes too. It was a great experience, but – as a 7 year old (with an older brother) his rules of the house were much more relaxed than ours were.
I love that you love reading my comments, lol. Does that make sense?
I absolutely LOVE reading your posts
and my gosh, it feels like ages since I heard from you! LOL. I hope all is well!
I think you had a different and wonderful experience
Those kinds of experiences can sometimes put our own lives into perspective.
AND. I think kids really need some sort of structure. This way, they’ll be able to learn how to respect rules and authority…but of course, everyone is different
You have lovely children and I’m sure the rules you enforce are all out of your love for them. Have a happy weekend!
Okay, that left me wanting MORE details!!!! My heart is open to foster care, adoption, and or mothering any child who needs it! Would love to hear more!!! So glad you got the opportunity and glad to hear you would do it again.
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Oh Cindy, now you have me thinking about a whole new post called “details.” He wasn’t used to the structure we have to have for the twins. I don’t know that they have too much structure at all at home. So, a bedtime before midnight was unusual for him. And rules that were enforced were also different. Maybe I will write that post. I love coming on here and seeing what you think about our journey. Love it!
Ever thought of adoption? Could really rock your world
Jonathan was 3 when we brought him home from China and spoke NO English. I will never forget the day in China. Jonathan had been with us for about a week. We were toward the end of our trip. We were in a Subway, yes a Subway in China. We spoke little to no Chinese and they spoke no English. We ordered food. Jonathan clearly did not want the sandwich we had ordered but wanted potato chips. We were at the point where we really needed to start enforcing some boundaries or we could have a wild child. Anyway, we went back and forth using hand gestures. Sandwich first then chips. I swear he cursed us out in Chinese! All these young girls were behind the counter laughing and laughing. We had no idea what Jonathan was yelling, it was aweful! Life got a LOT better when we returned home and could work things out in the privacy of our home and not the public restaurants of China.
But I will say Adoption will rock your world for the better! So glad you were able to open up your home and give a little boy a glimpse of what love looks like in your house. Hope he does get to return next year- how cool would that be!
Still trying to figure out the world of open adoption which we are not in. Leo is my SON, but when we do visits with his birthmom, she looks him over head to toe and that puts me on edge. Like are we meeting her expectations.
Ok- I guess I get this post and have my own set of issues
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I have an old post – about just such a topic. If it wouldn’t throw Ray right over the edge… I am really open to adoption. But, I can imagine what it would be like to take Leo to see his birthmom and feel inadequate. I happen to read blogs and know moms in open adoptions – and I admire them so much.
I’m so glad a family chose you to have this experience!
Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] recently posted..How to Train Your Crippled Driver, part III
Love you Jenn! It was awesome!!!
I think it is amazing that you opened your home and your heart up to a child. Not many people are willing to do that. I’m sure that this little boy went home with not only his bags filled with his belongings but his heart filled with a lot of love! xo
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It was such an amazing experience. I will tell you that our hearts were filled with love. And, we’ve spoken to him twice since he’s been home – I’m pretty sure hIs heart was filled too.
What a great growth experience! So wonderful of you to open your home and embrace someone who needed you.
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I’ve always wanted to participate in either a temporary or permanent program like this. Whether it be foster care or adoption, I look at a program in our local news called Wednesday’s Child and it breaks my heart. They showcase a kid a week and maybe 3 or so years ago there was a little boy named Jeremiah. I will never forget it. He was nearly two and wasn’t speaking, had just started walking. I wanted that boy. I wanted him so badly I picked up the phone. And then I sat it back down because I have no place for Jeremiah to sleep. We are stretched thin to points I will not describe but I knew it just wasn’t our time to add to our family. Yet…I still think of Jeremiah as though I know him. And I know that one day I will be able to help a child whether it’s temporarily or permanently.
I’m so glad you got to have this experience, that you learned as well as taught.
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Arnebya – when you write… even a comment.. it is like poetry
. I love it. Yes. It was an awesome experience and I could totally see you doing something like it. Seriously – you would love it. I hope sometime you can find space for a “jeremiah” – because you would be an amazing “mom” to one of those kids. xo
I”m so glad you were chosen! Expectations…the bane of my existence. It seems that whenever we have them, we set ourselves up to be disappointed. I am glad that you had this experience and that love was exchanged. I bet he’ll never forget you.
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Yeah! It was so fun!! And – you are totally right! Not only did we have these false expectations of him, but he carried some baggage of his own. But, I have nothing but great things to say about the program. And about him. It just reminds me again of the hardships of fostering and adoption.
I’ve been (not so) patiently waiting for the details of your experience ever since you first mentioned it. Sounds like you’ve had quite the experience. I’m curious as to how your children responded to it. It is definitely a challenge “mothering” in that type of situation. Most of my teaching experience is with low income, at-risk preschoolers. Monday morning breakfast conversations at school often revolved around talking about visits from the police, visits to prison to visit parents, and who beat up who. The families were in survival mode with few resources and lacking basic social skills. We served meals family style which was a foreign concept to many of them. There was lots of screaming “I don’t say please at my house! I WANT MORE…” We talked ourselves hoarse with phrases such as “in our school we use kind words/say please/use soft touches/use our words etc” I would love to do something like this someday as I think it would benefit my children too.
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Robbie… it was a challenge for my kids. Because we didn’t want to be too harsh on the kid who was here (we wanted it to be fun for him) but we had to keep some rules for my kids. *We don’t hit. *We say please and thank you. *We share. *We wait turns. I think we did an ok job. We cut him some slack on the first 2 days. Enforced the next 2 days. and after that he started being sort of a big brother to the other kids. *** Until he decided he didn’t want to listen – as all kids will do. *** But you are right- It is not all roses, especially for the kids in the home.
When my niece and nephew used to come stay with us during the summer, this was something we all had to learn. The first few days were always tough. I had the expectation that they would just know how to act, while they expected to just run amok like they’re used to. We had to stop and explain things. And then I could see a difference by the end of the week–they were more patient, rested, happier. And we were too.
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Oh. You are SO right on here!!!! This is exactly what we were going through!!!!! But – isn’t it a great blessing to have them there?
Expectations can hurt any relationship. This was a wonderful message!
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Thanks girl!!! You rock. I’ve been stalking you all over the internet. Love watching your baby grow a bit! xo
I’m so happy you finally got chosen! That’s awesome!
Expectations can set us up so terribly sometimes. It’s amazing how much peace we can have over a situation if we shift our expectations.
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Thank you! It was an awesome experience and I loved it. Once I let go of what I “expected” him to be. You are so right…. expectations can completely ruin a situation if we let them.