Day 12 – FEAR

If you read my blog regularly … you know I have many fears.  If you are new… you can venture to my the fears of my heart HERE or HERE or HERE.

 

But, honestly – I just cannot go there tonight.

 

I have other fears.  I fear a professional meeting with a crap hanging out of my nose.

 

I also fear this:

 

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Yes, I don’t even have the courage to use a real life example.  One of my biggest fears is teaching with my zipper open or toilet paper hanging out of my pants.  I decided to combine the two.  The doll baby doesn’t mind. 

 

What would you put down for fear?

 

Start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)

 

Day 11 – Wheels

In my life, there is a big wheel driving me -  and believe it or not, at the center is God.

 

I’m not going to stand here and say I never swear. (Or that I didn’t cuss at Mixie today.) I’m not perfect.  I’ve done things I’m not proud of.  Tomorrow, I might do something I will regret.  You never know.

 

But, God is always in the center.

 

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Right now, I’m struggling.  It is the holiest of seasons – Easter.  Last year, I had several posts about Easter and I felt renewed in my walk with God.  I thought I was over being “angry” with him.

 

I guess I’m not really angry.  It is more like indifferent.  Yeah – I know.  That is not really a good place to be. 

 

I’m so proud my kids “got” the meaning of the Easter.  I know the meaning of Easter.  I just don’t feel… grateful.

 

I don’t feel close to God.  There, I said it.  I know I will again.  But, for now, I’m spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.

 

Psalm 13: 1-6

1 How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long with my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.

Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 My enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;

My heart rejoices in your salvation

6 I will sing to the Lord,

for he has been good to me.

 

My favorite verse.  Since the 8th grade – when it spoke to me and said, “don’t worry… I’ve got you.”

 

So, I keep it bookmarked.  I look at it often. I know my heart will soften.  I keep my wheel centered – focused – knowing it will lead me where I need to go.

 

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Day 10 – Waiting

It is too funny. 

 

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I took this photo today with my IPhone.  Alexander is doing amazing with holding his head up.  He moves his arms into position on his own and he pops his head up in the air constantly.  It is one of his newest tricks, and he is loving his new way to view the world. On the floor, he holds his head up – so high.   He moves his legs like he is going to crawl.  You can see his body and mind… working so hard to figure how this all works together.  Then, his head lowers to the ground.  Exhausted.  He recovers until he can try again. 

 

It is beautiful to watch. 

 

Him waiting.  On the ground.  For his muscles to regain enough strength to push him up again.  For his brain to refocus on how he wills his body to move.

 

All the while, I wait.  Watching my beautiful baby. LEARN.

 

Start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)

 

Day 9 – Something I hate

I hate 3 things:

 

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Seizures

Alexander’s Feeding Pump.

 

The first two are very difficult to photograph.

 

There is a medical bag – similar to an IV bag that is filled with high calorie formula and “racked” in the top.

 

An Ice pack sits behind it to keep the formula cold all night.

 

It must be loaded just right to make the formula run through the pump.

 

The bottom has all sorts of settings:  how fast to run the pump, how much to put in Alexander at one time.. a hundred different ways to medicalize our evening routine.

 

The pump is then primed (milk pushed through long tubes) and connected to Alexander.

 

And I hate it.  I hate the constant reminder that it embodies.  I hate that our bedtime routine (which should be blissful) is filled with beeps and machines.

 

But mostly, I hate that we need it.

 

Start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)

Day 8 – Stranger

I’ve been mentally writing this post since last September.  On one of my first days back to school this year, I ran into someone I knew from before I met Ray.  Ok… someone I dated before I met Ray.

 

For a split second I thought he might not even recognize me. He did.  But, maybe that was because I really don’t recognize myself.

 

I am so far removed from that person I once was. 

 

And it isn’t just the fact that the pants from that era have been retired to the “don’t even dare to dream” pile.  It is so much more.

 

When I met Ray, I was 24.  I was in the best shape of my life.  I was confident, cocky.  I went where I wanted.  When I wanted.  I smoked. (I know… I don’t need the lecture.)  I went out often.  I was a social butterfly.  I had 4 restaurants on speed dial… wings, Mexican, cheese steaks, and pizza. My biggest worry was weather I was going to exercise before dinner or after.  My second biggest worry was what I would be doing this weekend. I laughed a lot.  I was passionate about work.  I vowed never to become bitter or disillusioned by teaching.  I. Was. Carefree.

 

 

Now?  I’m completely different.  The pit in my stomach exists almost constantly.  I still laugh, but it isn’t even always funny.  Sometimes it is just nervous energy.  Although I’ve given up my “bad” habits, you all know I’m battling other demons.  I have 3 kids, and the body to show for it.  Shoot…. I think my boobs need their own zip code. I can go several days without talking to anyone.  The phone that used to be attached to my hip, I don’t use it to call people anymore.  There are times I even feel disillusioned about things in education. 

 

It isn’t that I’ve changed.  I’m so far removed from the person I was….

 

I’m a stranger. To even myself.

 

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Start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)

 

Day 7 – Mirror

The topic for today is mirror.  Seriously?  I don’t get out much – so where in the heck am I supposed to find a cool picture of a mirror?

 

It was between this shot and a fake Barbie mirror.

 

Ugh. The best I could do:

 

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  • This is one of Alexander’s toys – with a Mirror in the center.
  • I thought it was a little bland, so I used the I Pad and the UZI app to create laser lines through the mirror.

Then, I e-mailed the picture to myself and used the Dash of Color app. 

 

Then…. I e-mailed the picture back to myself.  I adjusted the colors, sharpened the lines, and gave it a 1960’s feel.

 

 

All that work … and all I have to show for it is …… this picture.

 

I feel like a bad NY t-shirt.  “My parents went to NY and all I got was this crappy t-shirt.”

 

I will do better tomorrow. I can’t get must worse.

 

Start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)

Day 6 – Tragedy

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Warning! Men – proceed at your own risk.  The photo you are about to see and accompanying description may be entirely Too Much Information. 

 

 

 

But, I kept trying to come up with a better idea for Tragedy… and my mind kept wandering back to this….

 

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This represents what is left of 10 months of effort.  Actually, this is only 1/3 of what was left.  When our freezer began to overflow, I stashed at least this much at an aunt’s and my mother’s.  Have you figured out what it is yet?

 

Frozen breast milk.  YUP. A freaking tragedy. 

 

For 10 months, I pumped because Alexander could not suck and we needed to monitor his calories.  Actually, the women with his medical supplies said I was the only person she had ever met to put breast milk in a kangaroo pump. (Although I know there are other Mommas out there who have done it.)

 

Pumping sucks.  Seriously. And most people only pump during the work hours so they can continue nursing… NOT ME. I pumped just so Alexander could have the milk – because it was the one thing that only I could give him.  Seriously. The only thing I could give him and no one else could. 

 

So I pumped, and pumped, and pumped.  I gave him exclusive pumped breast milk for his first year.  And still had enough frozen to have fed him for his second year.  (Each one of those “frozen sticks” is an ounce.)  I believe I could get 40 ounces in a bag. And like I said… this isn’t even a third of what I had. At the end of his first year, we switched him to high calorie formula because he wasn’t gaining weight.  I mean, he was an 8lb one year old.  So, I packed it in and quit fighting a battle I couldn’t win.

 

And was left with frozen breast milk.  As his second birthday approaches, I finally cleaned out the freezer.  I’m defrosting and throwing it away.

 

Freaking Tragedy. 

 

 

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Day 5 – Power

Someday, you will feel powerless.

Someday, you will feel small.

Someday, you will need comfort.

Someday..

You won’t stand tall. 

 

But, there is power in this.  The three of you.  Hold on to each other. 

 

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There is power in Love.

 

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Day 4 – The Experiment

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“Guys…. I saw it on Sid the Science Kid.  It is called an Experiment.  If you hold this magnifier in sunlight, we can start our own campfire.  Just …. Wait…. for.. It….. …. Did anyone grab the marshmallows? “ 

 

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Day 3: From an Ant’s Perspective

I’m tired.

All the running.  Bringing food to our nest.  Going for more food. 

It is just… exhausting.

I’m going to that place.  That special place – where all the ants go.

 

Kristen’s House. 

 

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Goodbye.

 

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