Battling the Demons Within

The Mother kills the Teacher in Me

May 15, 2012 By Kristen 16 Comments

I have this fear.

It is better when I talk about it.

You see… I am 2 halves of the same coin. I am a teacher. One of my 8 years teaching was actually in special education.

I am a mother. One of my children has special needs and will be in a special education class for at least part of the day.

In this world of special needs I find myself compelled to offer advice on IEP questions when my newfound friends ask them. I can’t stop myself. I can feel their anxiety. I understand their fears. I relate to their worries.

From a teacher’s perspective, the things I want for my child are almost unreasonable. Almost.

If Alexander went to school right now, he would be non-verbal. This is one of my biggest fears. He will not be able to tell me about his day. The twins, at age 3, with their muddled version of reality, can at least give me a inkling of their day. They can tell me if they saw someone or what they had to eat.

Once… I worked in a home for adults with developmental disabilities. One man ate, but had no teeth (they used to pull them when you were institutionalized so you didn’t bite people) and he needed his food pureed. I watched a grown woman put everything from dinner in one blender and puree it together into one disgusting blob. Then she put it in front of him and told him to eat it. She was his caregiver. And – for the record – I did not report her.

Will Anyone Report This Woman If She Does This To My Son?

I believe in inclusion. In our house, Alexander is included in everything. He eats at the table with us. He takes a bath with the twins. He folds his hands in prayer when we pray our bedtime prayers. He brushes his teeth when they brush their teeth. Would it be easier to just leave him somewhere while we did our bedtime our routine? YES. But that is not fair, to the twins or Alexander. Tonight, Alexander raised his hands up to hug his siblings. He turns the pages on a book appropriately. He holds a spoon. He giggles when his siblings get into trouble. He is motivated to do things with them. Because he is included. It takes a lot of effort to make sure we adapt our day to include him in everyday activities. It takes a lot of time to make sure he is able to do these things. As a parent, I know my child will best benefit from this follow through in school. As a former teacher, I realize his teachers will probably hate me for expecting this.

Not only this, but Alexander will never be able to tell me if he sits in a classroom and stares at a wall everyday. (I’ve seen it happen.) Alexander will never be able to tell me if his teacher’s nickname for him is “Special Ed” (the kid’s name was Ed.. and yes, I witnessed it.) Alexander will never be able to tell me if he was offered food orally before it was just “shoved in his tube.” Because honestly? If you are in a rush… no one wants to spend 45 minutes trying to orally feed him and then another 45 feeding him through his tube. **sigh**

I really want to put a video camera on him so I can see and hear what happens all day. That is how protective of him I am.

Because… Who will Report People if they do something to my Son?

As a teacher, if a parent told me they were wiring a student to be in my classroom because they didn’t trust that I would do what was best for him or her I would feel betrayed. I pledged my career to take care of students. As a teacher, it was my mission.

Today, there is no acceptable policy for me videotaping my son’s classroom all day. If I were in an IEP meeting today, I would request inclusion for as much of the day as possible. I would request it in writing. Either hours or specific times. I would request a written note for every time my child was excluded from an activity that he should have been included in. (As much work as it might be to include Alexander, writing a note of explanation is more work.) I would request a log of how much food was given orally. And how much was given through the tube. I would want a private aid with Alexander at all times due to his seizure activity. I would want as much PT, OT, DT, VT, ST, every stinking Therapy we could get. You know why? Because they work. Today.. Alexander sat for 2 minutes unassisted during PT. Several times.

Teachers will hate me. It would be better if I could have a video camera. Because I can’t trust that this won’t happen.

I’m scared for my child who doesn’t speak for himself.

What would you do? Do you trust your school? What if your child couldn’t speak? What would you want in an IEP?

** PS: I don’t want to put limitation on Alexander. God can do all things. But, I am also a realist. There are times when it is ok to embrace the life you might have.**

Filed Under: Social Rights, Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, Special Needs, Teaching

Sometimes Support Groups Suck

April 17, 2012 By Kristen 38 Comments

When there aren’t that many of you… people tend to find comfort in numbers.

There is a comfort that comes from knowing that someone else really “gets” you. There is a serenity that comes from knowing that your friends can help you navigate a world of complex medical issues.

There is support in those numbers. We love each other. We grieve together. We celebrate together. We understand that life isn’t measured by years or days; instead – minutes…. moments. Life is measured in moments.

But, sometimes support groups are not all they are cracked up to be. Sometimes I feel that WHS is all around me. Like the noose that suffocates me. I just can’t break loose.

Maybe today… I don’t want to discuss deletion sizes and how it may or may not impact our kids.

Maybe today… I don’t care.

Maybe today… I don’t want to be reminded about all the scary dental/urinary tract/ kidney/ EVERYTHING issues.

It isn’t that I don’t care. We have those issues too.

But, just maybe – today … I want to pretend that we don’t.

And yet, being a part of 4 WHS support communities and 4 other special needs communities – complete with notifications, e-mails, and updates, is sometimes overwhelming.

It tears at your heart. … to know so many people who have medical issues. To read the fear of our friends. It isn’t like a “real world” – where you know one child in the hospital… it is this medically fragile world – that can have numerous children in the hospital on any given day.

Sometimes it is us. And we need support. Sometimes it isn’t… and – it can be overwhelming.

Confession: I don’t want to look the future… positive or negative. Because, the truth is – every child (with or without WHS) is different. And one person’s reality is not ours. Nor is our reality someone else’s.

Maybe today – I just want to be us. Family of 5.

ps. I really hope our friends in our WHS community can understand the post of my heart. And thanks, Shell – for letting me share it.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, I've Got an Opinion on Everything, Special Needs, WHS

Day 8 – Stranger

April 8, 2012 By Kristen 20 Comments

I’ve been mentally writing this post since last September. On one of my first days back to school this year, I ran into someone I knew from before I met Ray. Ok… someone I dated before I met Ray.

For a split second I thought he might not even recognize me. He did. But, maybe that was because I really don’t recognize myself.

I am so far removed from that person I once was.

And it isn’t just the fact that the pants from that era have been retired to the “don’t even dare to dream” pile. It is so much more.

When I met Ray, I was 24. I was in the best shape of my life. I was confident, cocky. I went where I wanted. When I wanted. I smoked. (I know… I don’t need the lecture.) I went out often. I was a social butterfly. I had 4 restaurants on speed dial… wings, Mexican, cheese steaks, and pizza. My biggest worry was weather I was going to exercise before dinner or after. My second biggest worry was what I would be doing this weekend. I laughed a lot. I was passionate about work. I vowed never to become bitter or disillusioned by teaching. I. Was. Carefree.

Now? I’m completely different. The pit in my stomach exists almost constantly. I still laugh, but it isn’t even always funny. Sometimes it is just nervous energy. Although I’ve given up my “bad” habits, you all know I’m battling other demons. I have 3 kids, and the body to show for it. Shoot…. I think my boobs need their own zip code. I can go several days without talking to anyone. The phone that used to be attached to my hip, I don’t use it to call people anymore. There are times I even feel disillusioned about things in education.

It isn’t that I’ve changed. I’m so far removed from the person I was….

I’m a stranger. To even myself.

Start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)

Filed Under: 30 Day Photo Challenge Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, In the Online World, Meme

Don’t Jinx It.

March 27, 2012 By Kristen 25 Comments

I don’t even believe in Jinx’s. I believe in the power of God. Still… I didn’t want to see my husband before our wedding. And, I wear the diamond my father gave to my mother – around my neck. Not on a finger… they are divorced – bad karma.

I have made no preparations. I mean… I believe it is going to happen… but I’m afraid to say it out loud.

Alexander’s Birthday. It is like a whisper on my lips. The birthday my baby wasn’t supposed to have.

It is right around the corner. *phew* …..

I have so many emotions swirling… I don’t even know where to start.

So, I will start at the beginning. The hospital. I can still see the printout in my mind’s eye.

“1:3 will not make it to age 2.”

The meeting with the genetic counselor when Alexander was only a few weeks old. Her packet of information, titled, “Mortality Rate of Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome.” You can guess what the information was inside. More of the same.

“It has been estimated that approximately 35% of individuals who have WHS die within the first two years of life.” – From wolfhirschhorn.org

More… More.. More… It all said this:

“Mortality rate is estimated at 34% in the first 2 years of life. However, because many affected children die before the anomaly is diagnosed or suspected, the mortality rate is underestimated. The usual cause of death is a heart defect,aspiration pneumonia, infection, or seizure.” – From Medscape

Until I couldn’t breathe. Alexander had 3 heart defects. Alexander had seizures. Low muscle tone is a huge contributor to pneumonia. No air….

I will tell you that I couldn’t stop reading. There have been other times- I’ve found myself obsessed with those numbers. I’ve fallen down wormholes and had to claw my way back out. I’ve even blogged about them. Why didn’t we wait until Alexander was 5 or 6 to get a seizure dog?

Maybe because we worried that without a seizure dog he wouldn’t see age 5 or 6.

And here we are. Only a month away from that magic number. I know it is only a number. I know there is no magic jinx. My head knows that everything will be ok. But, even as I type that… my heart lurches. Prays.

We haven’t invited anyone to a party. We haven’t bought a single decoration. We haven’t thought about gifts. My fingers want to type, “I KNOW I am being silly. I KNOW everything will be ok.” But, I’m afraid I will jinx it.

Thanks Shell, for letting me Pour My Heart Out. And, I promise – no more “deep” posts for awhile.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, Sweet Child of Mine, We've Got A Reason to Celebrate, WHS

Fighting the Urge to Push

March 27, 2012 By Kristen 18 Comments

I dropped off the face of the internet this past weekend. For those of you who don’t blog – you probably think that a “blogger” just – writes a story, hits publish, and voila! Reality involves a lot more work than that. You write, but then you promote your story on twitter and Facebook. You interact with other people. You read other blogs. My good friend, The Other Kristen, was invited to guest post – and I didn’t read it (or know about it) until today.

I just needed some space. I needed to feel. And then I needed to figure out what I was feeling.

I feel this pressure… for the first time, in a long time.

Every therapist has been instructed to “co-treat”. They are to do whatever therapy while Alexander is in the stander, or sitting, or on his tummy. Speech, OT, DT, and Vision – all are to try the stander first. I feel the pressure I thought I pushed away. The pressure to make Alexander bigger and stronger.

I don’t even know where exactly I’m trying to “push” him towards. For so long I have been content… with my forever baby. But now – I want him to not be hurt by Mixie, who wants so much to be his. I hear these voices (no… not those voices) in my head… they say – if he were stronger, you wouldn’t worry so much. If he just gets a little bigger, he will be ok if he is stepped on.

*sigh* I’m packing the kid full of calories. I’m pushing his therapy. I’m ordering more kenesio tape. More oil.

I also find I’m wishing this time away. Just a little bit. I wish the twins were just a little older. So they could understand a little more…. why Alexander needs the extra help. I wish they were a little more mature…

And then? This cocktail is followed by a round of guilt. Guilt for wishing away the innocence of my children. Guilt for pushing my son and not accepting him. Guilt for thinking “this would make everything easier.”

There. My silence the last week explained. In cold. raw. words. That sting my heart even as I type them. This time of year, I am a little more introspective. I find myself praying the Serenity Prayer.

For courage to change the things I can, Strength to accept the things I cannot change, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Thank you all … for the blessing of a friendly ear.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within

Sorry, The Rules Have Changed

March 20, 2012 By Kristen 15 Comments

I used to want it to be you. Now, I need it to be me.

I think know I’ve offended some people lately. I’ve changed the rules – and it is difficult for those closest to us to understand.

When the twins were babies, I nurtured them to be open to affection from anyone. I didn’t want them too attached to me. It was pure logistics. One of me, two of them. I knew I would not be able to do any work if they only wanted hugged or cuddled by me. I purposefully would encourage other people to hold them. Depending on who needed it, I would strategically make sure that neither one of my twins were too dependent on me alone. I wanted them to be happy. I didn’t want them to need me to be happy, but to feel the love of everyone around us. They were happy to be held by grandparents, uncles and aunts, friends… it didn’t matter.

And then came Alexander. I was stretched even further. I wanted happiness for all my children. I wanted them to know affection – and I felt the best way for them to have as much affection as possible was to allow others to give it as often as myself. I know this is probably hard for mothers without multiples or without a child with special needs to understand.

The best example I can give is… If my children fell down – they were just as likely to go get a kiss from Nana or an Aunt as they were from me. They knew I loved them, but they knew others did also. It didn’t have to be me.

Now it does. It is as simple as that. I’ve gotten selfish with my children. Missed appointments. Missed dates. Time away at doctor visits. Broken promises. Therapists. Extra “toys.” And throw a dog in the mix. Our friends and family stay strong. They continue to want to help us, which is an amazing blessing. But, often people think that means taking the children. I share, but it isn’t the same as before. When they need a boo boo kissed, I want it to be me they turn to. I want to be the one they want to cuddle with. I want to be the one they ask for. I want them to know I’m here for them. I love them.

Because the truth is, I know another promise will be broken. However, today… I will show them love. I need it to be me.

Thanks Shell, as always – for letting me pour my heart out.

Are you selfish with your children? Or – do you “share” them?

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, Sweet Child of Mine

When he’s not close to me, I’m scared

March 19, 2012 By Kristen 26 Comments

I took this picture a few nights ago. I walked in, and he was so precious… sleeping there. I couldn’t help myself. I took one on my cell phone – and then I got out my big camera and started snapping away.

click. Love. click. I just want to cuddle him. click. I want to scoop him up and protect him. click. I know just where to tickle him. click. I know what place to touch to calm him down. click. I know every inch of his sweet precious skin. click.

I struggled with how to write that – because it almost sounds too intimate. In fact, it is a weird sort of intimacy that belongs to us. I know him differently than my other children. At age 2, they didn’t need me so much anymore. They didn’t need held or rocked or … just need. They protested if I wanted to pick them up. Not Alexander. He doesn’t protest – instead he greets me with big warm smiles. He still sits with me, rocks with me, and needs me as a newborn would – almost 2 years later.

If you run your finger down either side of his spine… it makes him curl up in a ball and giggle.
He likes deep pressure on his feet and loves for you to stomp his legs into the floor.
He cracks up if you give him kisses just under the chin – by his neck.
Running your hands lightly along his ribs will send him into an arch-backed stage of wild laughter.
He loves a soft touch along his arms.
If you offer him a finger, he will wrap his hands around it… And hold on for dear life.

When I took these photographs, these were the loving thoughts that floated around my mind. Sometimes I have to stop myself, because I want to go cuddle him or rock him to sleep… Because I just don’t want to let go.

*Sigh*- When I look at this picture, sometimes the sweetness of it all goes away. Just tonight, I opened my phone to look at it … I saw a g-tube, scoliosis… and wondered if we would ever be able to get some meat in his arms. I wondered if he would ever sit or stand. I found myself frightened… because in the last year – he’s only gained 3 lbs.

I hate that. The picture is cute. But, sometimes, when shifted in the wrong light – that picture can be scary.

My baby. Alexander – is magical. In any light. So, I like him close to me… and then I’m not so scared.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, Sweet Child of Mine

The things we do for our kids – that we won’t do for ourselves.

March 6, 2012 By Kristen 47 Comments

I wondered if I would actually post this. Because – it is really airing my dirty laundry. But – the thing is… I know I’m not alone. I actually called a doctor after reading a blog by a woman I adore. She has 2 sets of twins and has been my only guest poster to date. She’s amazing. She always has it together. Sometimes she blogs about dark days, but – then she bounces back.. funnier and more real than ever.

One day she said she went to a psychiatrist. Online. I could. not. believe. my. eyes. She’s so… unbelievable. She is so funny! She has twins. And then twins again! It was that day that I called and made an appointment. (of course, I had to wait over a month to be seen… but thank goodness I made the appointment.)

When Alexander was first born, I suffered … greatly. I blamed myself – more than I should have. As a mother, I felt I should have “known” something was amiss. I still have yet to test myself to know for sure that I did not pass that genetic anomaly on to Alexander. I don’t want to know – sometimes ignorance is bliss. I may test myself some day, but today is not yet the day.

As Alexander graces us daily, I fall more and more in love with that child. This beautiful – I will protect you – I will fight for you – I will do what is best for you – I will help you in any way I can – I will accept you as you are … sort of love. All these things occur at the same time. Just this past week, we were at Hershey 3 times and I argued with a doctor over the “necessity” of a surgery for Alexander. She wanted to do a cosmetic procedure on him and I insisted the procedure be more medically based. Part of me doesn’t want to “air” all of his business on the internet… but it sort of goes with the theme of the story here… Anyway – it is impossible to catheraturize him. There – I said it. This is a problem because he may medically need this. We can’t tell if he is having kidney reflux without seeing this. Also, if he were hospitalized and needed a catherature – as his parent – it is my duty to make sure it can be done. Cosmetic surgeries are not at the top of our priority list right now. Checking his bladder, kidneys, and other urinary issues is. The doctor and I went around and around on this issue, until I went over her head to the official specialist.

Alexander is having a 15 minute surgery on Wednesday that should make it possible to do these tests. EASY fix… once you talk to the right person.

Alexander sees a host of specialists. Cardiologists, Urologists, Nephrologists, Ophthalmologists, Gastroenterologist, Immunologist, Neurologist, etc. The list is pretty extensive. As much as I trust his pediatrician and take his advice, I would never just accept his word on so many specialized issues.

Why didn’t I put as much attention into my own care? Why did I allow my primary physician to medicate me… in such a way that I never sought out a specialist? Why would I expect that he could handle such specialized issues – that I would not take myself to a specialist?

I’m usually ok. I mean – like 99% of the time ok. That other 1% sucks like no other. I teach the signs of depression, I know them well. I know enough to realize when it is happening, but not enough to help myself. Since the fall – I’ve had 3 major bouts ….

1. When I was trying to decide how I would continue to work while caring for the needs of my family. I was trying to make a decision about how to make my family happy and functional.

2. Careless words and messages from a beloved family member. Who probably has no clue those words hurt as they did.

3. Our return and my inability to find a balance between my devotion to my son’s health and the overall well being of all of my children.

Each of these episodes were things I was forced to keep quiet about. I guess this blog has become more therapeutic than I ever imagined. When I can’t blog my worries away… they fester – until the blanket over my head becomes so oppressive, I can’t move.

1. I could not blog about staying home from work until something was decided. What if my work read my blog and thought… What?!?! She might take time off!??! What a great employee she is to air that publically before she decides. So, I battled in silence.

2. I can’t really call my family member out on the internet. I mean – I guess I could, but what good would that do. And our relationship is such that sometimes talking makes it worse. So, I battled in silence.

3. What if I posted my fears about Mixie online and 4 Paws decided to take her back from us? Things are better now – way better… but even this weekend, my husband and I were arguing over our best course of action. What if I put something out there that caused the people to think we didn’t want Mixie? What if she was no longer ours – and not by our choice? All because I opened my mouth? So, I battled in silence.

I went to the doctor today. Not my family doctor, but a specialist. And you know what I found out? My family doctor was not qualified to handle all that is on my plate.

** Yes, I become very anxious when we have to battle doctors or hospitals over Alexander’s care. – Do you blame me?

** Yes, Sometimes I battle in silence … and that battle is fierce.

** Yes, Our day to day lives are stressful – just in general.

But, if you are going to put any “treatment” on these things – It must be the right treatment. How do you find the right treatment? You go to a specialist. I would take my son… Why didn’t I take myself?

So, I am excited. I know a lot more about what triggers my stress and how to handle it. I didn’t walk away with a magic pill – actually – I left some behind because they were doing more harm than good.

And that is the real reason for this post. In my family, we don’t see “head” doctors. Much less talk about them. Much less talk about them ON THE INTERNET. (What if I run for president someday? People will know this!)

But what if there is someone out there who is suffering like me? And thinks everything is as good as it will get because their family doctor has said so? If this post allows one person to feel empowered to go see a doctor, then I will feel it was worth it. Thank you – Helene – for empowering me.

Thanks Shell… You know my Heart is always with you on Wednesdays.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within

On Being All Things to All People

March 2, 2012 By Kristen 18 Comments

I’ve been struggling with what to write. If I take some time to blog about issues instead of feelings, please understand…my feelings are all mixed up right now.

I’m struggling right now. And – I’m struggling because – I have to struggle in private. (get all that?)

This blog has been a salvation for me. When I have something weighing on my heart – I sit down at the computer and unload. The words often come out without even an edited look back. It releases the pressure that clutches my insides and it allows me to take a deep breath – my secrets released.

“Not every single thing needs to be public.” ~ the motto of my husband. So, we compromise… I only discuss things that really pertain to me, or the kids, or Ray (within boundaries and with his permission) mostly.

Photo from last night. I wasn't sure if I would share this... but it seems appropriate

When something is causing me to struggle, but could have a greater impact on my family – I can’t be as open as I would be normally. You know what I’ve discovered? The silence hurts my heart more.

So I’m blogging what I can.

I am probably struggling personally the most I have struggled since the birth of Alexander. I can feel myself slipping… just a bit. (No worries family and friends!!! I’m headed to see a doctor on Monday!) I should wait until after Monday to post this – but … when you slip a little, you don’t just bounce back in a New York Minute. It takes a little while to bounce back. So, if the blog feels a little different – it is ok. I feel a little different right now. Again, it is ok. Really. I can talk about myself. So – this is me – right now.

I feel like a failure of a mother. I feel like I cannot be all things to all people. I feel like I’m giving 100% and it is not enough. I feel…heartbroken. Everyone needs a piece of me and I am just out of pieces to give.

My head tells me to give myself a break. My head says, “you are good enough – just as you are.” But, right now… my heart isn’t listening. I’m having a struggle convincing my heart that my head is right. This is my truth… just as it is.

I’m struggling with the needs of my children. The needs of my husband. The needs of my family. And – the last person with needs – myself. When you struggle like this: please understand…

If I don’t e-mail you right back, it’s not personal.. I just can’t.

If I don’t return your call, it’s not personal… I just can’t.

If I don’t blog as regularly as I want to, it’s not personal… I just can’t.

If I’m not as good a friend In Real Life – or in this Online World – as I want to be, it’s not personal… I just can’t.

This is my truth…. just as it is.

I’m giving everything I have within these walls, and I have hardly anything left to give. Please understand.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within

Is it really a sacrifice if you do it for LOVE?

February 26, 2012 By Kristen 28 Comments

Tomorrow – I will write about our time away. I promise! But – today, I’m going to write a post prompted by an intriguing e-mail.

The sacrifices we make.

I know many people have read our posts while we were at 4 paws and questioned if we made the right decision.

I’m not going to lie. The training was intense and we do have hurdles to overcome. We must continue to foster the bond between Alexander and Mixie – while not hurting Andrew and Addison. And maintaining order with a puppy. A puppy!!! What were we thinking?!?!I

We were thinking this: If Alexander seizes for hours, at his size, and we miss it – he will probably not survive. His deletion is large. In my heart, I believe this contributes to his uncontrollable seizures. (I have no scientific evidence to back this up – only a gut instinct.) Either way… 4, 5, 6 hour seizures – WITH MEDICINE – leaves you to ask the hard question: What would happen if he started seizing and didn’t get medicine. We don’t want to be a statistic.

Everyone has priorities.

- Some people live in a big house. I love going in those houses…. They have space for people to gather, socialize, nothing looks cluttered… bedrooms are bigger than our family living space. *sigh* Could we have those things? Possibly

- Some people spoil their children. They go to Disney and take multiple vacations and have the newest and coolest toys. I don’t say this with malice… What toys children have is none of my business and I don’t care. My kids get things from second hand stores and yard sales. Craig’s list is my best friend.

- Some people buy “adult toys.” They get new electronics and gadgets. They have big screen TV’s, new computers, the coolest new phones, etc. Some people get new cars every few years. We drive a 2002 Nissan Sentra and a Dodge Grand Caravan. Not exactly the coolest cars ever.

- Some people buy new clothes, get their hair done, nails done, eyebrows waxed, etc. on a regular basis. I do not own a pair of pants without holes in them. Truth. I usually end up with something close to a uni-brow before I go in to get them waxed (painfully when you have more hair to wax than leave behind.) **Sigh – I don’t shop the “amazing deals” at Kohl’s, because they are still more money than I want to spend.

- Some people have passions of their heart. I know several families who feel convicted to adopt children who need a home. They sacrifice in order to pursue that dream. I know others who have other passions. I own a pottery wheel (from my former life) that sits collecting dust. I used to love to mold things with clay.

- I just quit my job. We gave up 1/2 our income. I honestly don’t know if we can pay our bills on 1/2 the income, but we are going to try our darndest. Think of all the things we could provide for our children with 2 incomes. My presence at home is worth more than that.

We all make sacrifices. I could continue to work… and we could provide more for our children – our family. I could have clothes without holes. We could take more vacations. We could drive a car with less than 100,000 miles on it. (Ok. The van is just under 100,000) – but you get the drift.

We could have NOT gone to Ohio to get Mixie. I would have more time to blog and less time to “train” a dog. I wouldn’t have the worries about bonding with the twins versus Alexander. I wouldn’t have had to do an emergency child/puppy proof my house first thing this morning at super lightening speed.

Priorities. The life of my children. The life of my son. It is worth it to us. You may not understand it. I don’t expect you to. Until you’ve raced to the nearest hospital following a medical helicopter with your son in it, I don’t really expect you to get it. Until you’ve held his hand and prayed for him to “break” out of it, I don’t expect you to totally get it.

We are all parents here – struggling to do the best we can.

Priorities. The happiness of my children. All of my children. It is worth it to us. There are things we do around here. We buy fish and pretend they will learn tricks like Mixie. We take them with us to stay in a small hotel room … because there are too many times they are left out of things. I don’t quite expect people to understand. Unless they’ve repeatedly watched the faces fall when so many things seem to be “for their brother,” how can people really get it?

Will my kids realize the sacrifices we’ve made for their health and happiness? Part of me hopes so. A bigger part of me hopes not. Because they aren’t really sacrifices. They are a re-arrangement of priorities. I don’t know that you can call these things sacrifices when they are done for LOVE.

All parents do it. Find the trade off between priorities. I don’t question other parent’s priorities. Please don’t question ours. I feel, now that we have traveled down this journey of blogging – we have opened up ourselves to be judged. However – in the same respect, I blog honestly because life isn’t always easy. Why would I tell families that getting a service dog is as easy as 1-2-3? Why would I gloss over some of our struggles to paint a picture that isn’t … us? What is the point of blogging? To let others know they are not alone?

That doesn’t mean we regret our decision. The health and happiness of my children. Priorities. Sacrifices made from love…. that mean – they really aren’t sacrifices, more like trading. And I would trade the world to have 3 children live to adulthood and be filled with love. So – there you have it.

What do you “trade” for your family? Do you think they are sacrifices?