Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny

Before We Meet In Real Life: Full Disclosure

May 10, 2012 By Kristen 28 Comments

An open letter to all my blogging friends headed to the SITS girls Bloggy Boot Camp in Philadelphia next weekend…

Especially my girl Kristen – who will be sharing a room with me -

There are some things you really should know before we get to Philly next weekend.

I really look like this:

I stress eat… and I’ve been under a lot of stress lately.

I take about a million pictures and suck in my face and neck to get the one that looks like this for the online world:

I’m just nervous that if I don’t come clean with a “real” photo – you might not even recognize me.

There is the issue of my bathroom problems. I’m sure you’ve heard. Thing’s aren’t quite normal anymore.

I should be ok if I avoid all fried foods like cheesesteak or French fries or beer or wine or stuff like that… Probably no problem in Philadelphia at a conference full of women…

So just in case, I may bring my plunger. We don’t need it now that we bought the flusher 2000.

I will also have my twitter handle hand written on my business cards. I got them last year – before I went to BlogHer, but I didn’t even have a twitter account then. And hubs is NOT down with me getting all new cards when I still have about a thousand sitting in a box, so … I will be re-using them. Hope I still look professional.

I’ve also decided I want to change my goals for blogging. When I started, I wanted to have an outlet. Some place – for me … that I could keep the crazy from taking over. That has happened. Then I started to make online “friends.” A lot of these friends talked about making it big in the online world and using this as a real job. I learned something this week. I don’t want that.

For me, it is just too complicated. I’m not going to worry about my stats any more. I’m going to write from the heart. What I feel like, when I feel like. And the business side… I’m going to let that slide. Because at the end of the day – the friendships are what I want to trump over the business of blogging. So, I’m really excited to meet everyone. I hope you are not expecting to see the skinny me – ‘cause she isn’t here right now. The real me will be hanging out by the doughnuts with her heart on her sleeve. Trying not to make a misstep in a world she really doesn’t know much about. And excited to try to make new friends. (and petrified she will clog a toilet or two.)

See you next Friday. xo

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, Crap that only happens to me, In the Online World

A List of Lies

May 2, 2012 By Kristen 12 Comments

The writing prompt is a list of lies I regularly tell. The problem is.. not IF I have lies- but how MANY of the lies I can remember are lies and not the truth. (sometimes if you tell a lie often enough – you start to think it is the truth.) These are lies I tell to my husband, my kids, and…generally everyone.

No, I definitely do NOT eat Swiss Cake Rolls (frozen) most nights while catching up on my blog reading.

I OWN a pair of underware without a hole in it… somewhere.

No, I did not just snap a picture of you from behind while you roll yourself on that scooter thing down Lowe’s …trying to be “manly”

No, I definitely do NOT obsess on “weigh in day” – to the point of weighing myself before and after I poop to see if I am skinnier.

If you play in dirty sink water, you will get pink eye.

I weigh about 130 lbs. (I actually put that on a government document with a strait face the other day.)

Yes, I DO own a shirt without a stain, I just chose not to wear it today.

Oh yeah… That food is not spoiled – you should take it for lunch tomorrow.

I showered. I just didn’t wash my hair.

There are so many more… so many many more. but, I really want to keep some blog readers.

Linking with Mama Kat’s writer’s workshop. Thanks for the prompt. It was fun!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, In the Online World

Day 21 – Moon

April 21, 2012 By Kristen 25 Comments

Malibu Barbie knew she wanted to walk on the wild side during her bachelor party. She enlisted Princess Barbie to make sure she sewed all her wild oats.

Mooning a group of little old men waiting for coffee was apparently on her list.

Getting pulled over by the police man also ordering coffee was apparently not.

But, now she can get married with the knowledge she survived jail and lived to tell about it.

ps. the real “moon” wasn’t out last night. I checked before I got creative.

pps. Don’t forget to start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)

Filed Under: 30 Day Photo Challenge Tagged With: Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, In the Online World, Meme

Day 8 – Stranger

April 8, 2012 By Kristen 20 Comments

I’ve been mentally writing this post since last September. On one of my first days back to school this year, I ran into someone I knew from before I met Ray. Ok… someone I dated before I met Ray.

For a split second I thought he might not even recognize me. He did. But, maybe that was because I really don’t recognize myself.

I am so far removed from that person I once was.

And it isn’t just the fact that the pants from that era have been retired to the “don’t even dare to dream” pile. It is so much more.

When I met Ray, I was 24. I was in the best shape of my life. I was confident, cocky. I went where I wanted. When I wanted. I smoked. (I know… I don’t need the lecture.) I went out often. I was a social butterfly. I had 4 restaurants on speed dial… wings, Mexican, cheese steaks, and pizza. My biggest worry was weather I was going to exercise before dinner or after. My second biggest worry was what I would be doing this weekend. I laughed a lot. I was passionate about work. I vowed never to become bitter or disillusioned by teaching. I. Was. Carefree.

Now? I’m completely different. The pit in my stomach exists almost constantly. I still laugh, but it isn’t even always funny. Sometimes it is just nervous energy. Although I’ve given up my “bad” habits, you all know I’m battling other demons. I have 3 kids, and the body to show for it. Shoot…. I think my boobs need their own zip code. I can go several days without talking to anyone. The phone that used to be attached to my hip, I don’t use it to call people anymore. There are times I even feel disillusioned about things in education.

It isn’t that I’ve changed. I’m so far removed from the person I was….

I’m a stranger. To even myself.

Start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)

Filed Under: 30 Day Photo Challenge Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, In the Online World, Meme

MMLM: I will Run for a Big Mac

November 7, 2011 By Kristen 9 Comments

I hate to run. I mean hate. As in…

I would rather have my teeth drilled. Get a weggie for life. Go without talking for a month. I’m not a runner.

I joke that the only way people will see me run is to get a Big Mac.

When I was in high school – I was the goalie in field hockey because I hated to run.

In softball – a homerun only came if I hit the ball out of the park.

I sweat like a pig.

It is painful for others to watch.

Sort of like Phoebe from Friends

Still not my “Make Me Laugh Monday” Photo…

Does it mean you’ve hit rock bottom when you make a tape to be on Biggest Loser? ‘Cause – then I’ve hit rock bottom. If it doesn’t mean you’ve hit rock bottom…. then I will let you know what comes next. Smile

Anyway, I thought – this is ridiculous! I can’t leave my family for 3 months to go get skinny healthy with hot Bob and win a Million dollars or so while doing it! I should just go for a run.

And then I remembered that I hate to run.

So I downloaded “Couch to 5K” on my IPhone. (There was never a more literal translation of this app.)

Immediately I had a list of questions:

What should I wear? What will make my butt jiggle more like J-Lo and less like Jell-O? Can I do it? Every time I see people before a big race – they are all lined up at the bathroom… What if I have to poop on my run? (I was headed to a park.) Should I get new runner’s shoes? What about my sweating problem? I think I have to poop now…

I tried to find a sweat headband and get ready to go run. I couldn’t find one… so I attempted a substitute

This is me. Ready for a run. Day 1 – Run 1 – On Couch to 5K. With one of the twin’s bandanas on my head to catch my excessive sweat.

I’m trying to look tough. ..

Plan thwarted when Raymond informed me that he would not take me to the park looking that ridiculous. (And he usually puts up with my ridiculousness.)

So we went. I ran. (A bit). And I walked. (A lot). But I did it. I didn’t die… And there was no Big Mac at the end of the line.

(Oh…. and it was definitely Jell-O … not J-Lo.)

Want to know a secret? When I run with Alexander, people think he’s a newborn so I look like I’m just getting back in shape after having a baby. HaHa!

This is quite possibly the stupidest thing I’ve done… ever. Learning to run in PA in November / December.

List of things I need – now that I’m a serious runner:
* Running Sneakers
* Sweat Headband
* Face Mask to keep me from developing “Runner’s Asthma”
* Under armor Shirt
* Under armor Pants
* Pants that hide my rear end while I run.
* Shoot – how about a new body that looks like I should be running?
* Socks without holes

Probably you will see me on Biggest Loser next month. Smile

So… Share. Make Us All Laugh. Just Link up. If you would be so kind as to put the button on your page – that would rock too.

Ps. We just got word…. the Halloween Contest is out. PLEASE – go to http://www.wolfhirschhorn.org/halloween-contest/ and VOTE for Alexander. You can only vote 1 time – at You need to scroll down almost to the bottom – and look for Alexander as a cowboy. And click! There are so many apps that can help him reach learn, reach milestones, and even communicate with us. I look at him and I KNOW there are things he wants to do… but can’t physically make himself do. And PLEASE – share this with your friends. (And get them to VOTE too!)

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, Crap that only happens to me, Meme

Friday’s Confession Booth: You know what is more embarrassing?

August 25, 2011 By Kristen 5 Comments

Welcome to the first ever Friday’s Confession Booth. To participate – you write a “Confession Post.” It doesn’t have to be serious, and you can read more about them HERE. Then you grab the button and place it in your post to link back and share with everyone’s confessions.

My Confession

You know what is more embarrassing than weighing in at Weight Watchers? Weighing in after you’ve been on a 5 week dieting hiatus. At least at the first weigh in, I could just walk in – admit I was fat – and get on with it. ..

Now – here’s how I envision Monday going:

I go to weigh in.

“Why hello there. What is your name again? We thought you quit.”

Nope… I’m still here. I just chose to give you a donation the past few weeks. I’ve been pretty busy.

“It can’t be that bad – just step up on the scales and let’s see what the damage is.” (snickering)

(me… quietly thinking about punching this girl).

“Hmmm! I see we haven’t been tracking our points this past … um … what was it? Month and a half?”

No, I chose to just donate to Weight Watchers. I didn’t want to use their tools… just support their organization.

“That monthly fee can really add up. You should take advantage of these meetings.”

I give to Jesus because I want to and pay my taxes because I have to… You guys are somewhere in the middle, but definitely on the taxes side of things.

“Well, you’re back here now and that is all that matters. +10lbs is … going to be a struggle, but it is doable.”

(me… quietly wanting to punch this girl.)

I wanted to make sure you still have a job.

“You know honey. This is about your health.”

(I might just punch this girl.)

Ray says I’m not allowed to continue to “donate” and not use the stuff we are paying for. Kind of like the gym down the street that I donate to. I seriously want to go on a diet before I go back to weight watchers because it will be humiliating to go in after paying dues all summer and step on the scales and be HEAVIER than I was when I started! But, what can I say? I’ve been on vacation, gone to parties, picnics, and every day promised I would begin to start watching what I eat. Because of that promise, I give myself a “one day pass” to eat whatever I want today. And.. then.. I. do. it. again. the next day.

**sigh** I’m going to go have a snickers bar or something because on Monday – I’m going back to Weight Watchers. … Maybe.

There is my confession for the week. I’m donating to Weight Watchers and slowly gaining weight because I’m too proud to go weigh in at a higher weight than I started at.

Take a minute – Link up your Friday’s Confessional Post!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, Meme

I fell off the Bandwagon

August 9, 2011 By Kristen 3 Comments

landed hard, broke both of my legs, and took out a sumo wrestler in the process. I fell off the Weight Watchers Bandwagon.

Stupid Weight Watchers.

So – it started with our beach trip. I would say – I took a one week “time out” from dieting.

Imagine a league of Weight Watchers skinny people saying, “That’s why we call it a lifestyle not a diet.”

Stupid Weight Watchers.

Then we came back… and getting back on track was a little difficult.

Imagine a league of Weight Watchers skinny people saying, “You just need to Track what you eat.”

Stupid Weight Watchers.

Everyone I know has had a birthday party in the last 2 weeks. Niece, nephew, cousin, Ray, Ray’s mom, my dad, my mom…. the list goes on and on and on. And everyone has CAKE … and SODA… and BREAD… Seriously people. BREAD. Then there are those town fairs. Who can chose a salad (I don’t even think they sell salad at fairs) when you have sausage sandwiches and French fries and ice cream.

Imagine a league of Weight Watchers skinny people saying, “You just need to make better choices.”

Stupid Weight Watchers

Ugh. I’ve eaten everything in sight. Everything in sight. … Because tomorrow I’m going to hop back on. Then – I see something I just can’t live without… eat it … and promise to start dieting tomorrow.

Imagine me encountering that league of skinny Weight Watchers people… It is not pretty.

Stupid Weight Watchers

Right now I’m bitter. And not skinnier. In fact, I might have to go bust out some old maternity clothes and poufy shirts from HERE.

Watch out Weight Watchers skinny people. I might just sit on you.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, I've Got an Opinion on Everything

I know why I’m fat…..

July 31, 2011 By Kristen 5 Comments

It’s because I have kids. And, no – not because I birthed 3 children in 18 months… because I have children right now. And I love them.

Let’s start with Alexander. I’m fat because I love you. Yes, I know people will say you are not sick on purpose. I suppose it is possible that when you wake up in the middle of the night miserable that I could cuddle you “better” and then put you down on some reclining sleep positioner. I suppose I could then sleep on the couch until you needed me again. If I did that, then I wouldn’t have needed the extra 2 sodas this morning and the tall stack of pancakes .. with extra syrup. But, let’s be honest. ~~I really needed to hold you~~ You really needed me to hold you last night. You needed me to rock you while you slept nuzzled against my neck. I definitely did it for me you. Please feel better so I can focus on dieting again.

Andrew. You are the reason I’m fat. Because you are so stinking cute. You are so cute that I had to explain to Vinnie (our favorite restaurant owner; who is also Greek; who is also bigger than our entire family put together) why you had to move seats – to sit next to his daughter – because she is your “girlfriend.” Yup, I’ll take an extra order of fries with that. And how am I supposed to explain to Vinnie about tonight? When we went to the birthday party? You know I wasn’t going to eat any cake or ice cream or chips. But then you got yourself another girlfriend. More chips over here please. You are so stinking cute. I’m sure it is not technically your fault. I mean, you are one of the three cutest kids I have ever seen. I know all moms must think their kids are cute, but we all know the truth – you and your brother and sister are the cutest. Hence – I’m struggling to lose weight.

Addison. You are the final reason I’m not losing weight! I would like to personally applaud your efforts to be a big helper. Changing Andrew’s poopy diaper during your nap time was genius. I mean… who wants to sleep with a poopy diaper? However, we normally use a changing table to minimize the mess. We also use wipes – for the same reason. And, around this house – we like to keep the poop inside the diaper. Just in case you were wondering. How am I supposed to choose a salad over pizza when I am laughing so hard at your ingenuity? I love you girl. I love you so much. And I love that some day you will no longer need diapers. You will be wise enough to actually change a diaper without assistance. So I will laugh at this (as I eat my slice of pizza) and remember that these times are fleeing.

So…. reason’s I’m fat:
1. Hugging and cuddling Alexander instead of sleeping
2. Worrying about Andrew and his extra suave moves for the ladies
3. Addison… you are the funniest person I know. I love you.

So, I will trade love, cuddles, funny moments, and happiness for my waistline. Thank you for giving me those great gifts. I’ll work on my waistline next week.
Love, Mom

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, life, random

The hypothetical situation that almost hypothetically ruined an anniversary

July 9, 2011 By Kristen 3 Comments

First – I must tell you that before Ray and I were married, we had to complete “marriage counseling” sessions with our pastor. During one of those sessions, we examined – in depth – the way our parents react to situations, values they handed down to us, and practices we have unwittingly adopted from them.

Next – I’m going to tell you several hypothetical stories. These are of “sensitive” issues, so I don’t want you to think – for even a moment – that they could be about me or my family.

Hypothetically, there is this couple that had an anniversary.

Hypothetically – the wife in this couple unwittingly inherited many habits from her own father. One of those habits was a relaxed attitude about things that are not “essential.” For example… this wife’s father (hypothetically) probably has at least one vehicle in his driveway that is not inspected… Hypothetically.

Get the picture?

So – hypothetically – the husband surprised the wife with a great night of fun for their anniversary.

The husband made dinner reservations, had flowers sent to their table, and took the wife out to play a little roulette – which this hypothetical wife liked to play once or twice a year.

It was a great evening and the couple left when they broke even – they didn’t even lose any money. Everyone was all smiles and love. It was at this point that the hypothetical situation went awry.

As the hypothetical man went to retrieve the flowers, the hypothetical wife went to ask the nice security guard where she could cash in her chips.

That is when it happened.

The hypothetical security guard asked the hypothetical wife for her license.

And lets just say… for argument’s sake… that the hypothetical license was expired. Hypothetically, because the wife had put on a few pounds and didn’t want to be fat on her license photo. And …. hypothetically … this security guard wouldn’t let the wife back on the floor… and .. ahem… called for more security back – up.

And the hypothetical husband rounded the corner as 2 hypothetical security guards are arguing with his hypothetical wife over her hypothetical license that the husband told her to renew months ago.

Got that mental image?

Sort of a romantic dampener.

I sure am glad this story is all made up – otherwise – some people were probably in trouble… or at least very thankful they have an awesomely forgiving husband.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Because I would Seriously Like to be Skinny, fun, Misunderstanding

Fashion advice from the horizontally challenged

July 9, 2011 By Kristen 7 Comments

So… As I’m testing all my pants and shirts to see what can go on the “soon I will fit into” pile – I find myself laughing at the ridiculousness of last year. I have gone to some extreme measures to deny that I was gaining weight. I thought I would share some of my fashion advice.

1. If you have to lay on your bed to zip the pants… don’t wear them.

2. People can recognized maternity clothes… don’t kid yourself. If you are still wearing maternity clothes at 1 year postpartum – buy a bigger size off the “normal” rack.

3. If your cousin (who had a baby and was immediately skinnier than you) offers you her old “fat clothes” … but they are all size petite because she is short…. don’t take them! You will just end up looking chubby and your ankles will stick out. (I didn’t wear high heals all last year because…. um…. well – I didn’t want to draw attention to my ankles.)

4. Buying an entire rack of “poofy” shirts to hide your “muffin top” doesn’t work as well as you think it does.

5. One more – I just actually did – sucking it in while standing on the scales – really will not make a difference in how much you weigh.

Let’s face it. If you are committing 2 or more of these offenses, e-mail me. We can talk. I’m not a fashionista – but I do have some experience in horizontally challenged fashion faux paux.

Update:
If you haven’t noticed – there has been a debate about how much weight you can subtract based on the added poundage of your head. So – I weighed my head. Just as my family has always suspected….