Changes

I am So Sorry.. The Letter to the Mother of my Children

January 17, 2012 By Kristen 30 Comments

Dear Brooke,

I don’t really know what to say, so I’m going to ink it in permanent love for you and the twins to read as often as you want.

I’m sorry.

In the attempt to put my life and my family back together… I’m taking my children away from you. And they love you.

Every night, when we say our prayers, we pray for Mommy and Daddy and Andrew and Addison and Alexander… and then “Brookey” is the very next word. Along with your husband and children. They love you like no other. I know I carried them in my womb and gave birth to them, but since they have been 9 months old – they have seen you 40 hours a week. Every morning they are excited to go to your house. Every day they know they will have an adventure with you. You kiss their boo boos. You hug them tight. You give them the extra attention they need when we are gone for extended time with Alexander.

I know we are still going to get together once a week. I know you support me in my decision to stay home. I know if and when I return to teaching – you would take them back in a heartbeat… but for now – we both know it is going to be different.

What if I don’t live up to you? What if I’m not as good of a mother as you are? What if I don’t have the patience you have? Or the creative ideas you have? Or… anything you have.

Being a MOM is not just about who “birthed” you. It is about who loved you.

Andrew and Addison – you are blessed with two Mommies. Because we both love you. And, from my heart of hearts – please know that I will do my best to fill the shoes of your “not just a babysitter” – other Mother.

Brooke, I never wanted to break your heart. And you are such a good friend, I know you will never tell me if it is even cracked. But I love you. And I inspire to be just like you.

Love, Me.

Thanks, Shell… for letting me link up

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Changes, fears, Letter, Life as a SAHM

Go Jump off a Cliff

January 7, 2012 By Kristen 22 Comments

We did. And I would like to tell you about it.

So just sit back, grab a cup of coffee, and enjoy the twists and turns – our life is changing. Big Time.

I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was about 2 or 3 years old. I would play “school” with my doll babies. I asked for red pens for Christmas. I took home the extra copies of printouts in elementary school to “teach” my babies all summer long. I love teaching. Several times this summer I posted about our ongoing dilemma concerning teaching and our family.

The truth is – I wanted to keep going. When I shut my door, my room is a sanctuary. My students give me passion. The idea that I can have a hand in helping to open their eyes to the world; helping them to think for themselves; helping them to discover the person they were meant to be… Is my dream. Was my dream. Might still be my dream. (I’m not sure.) But I know this – It cannot be my reality right now.

Truth number 2. Our lives were beginning to unravel. We made promises we couldn’t keep. (unexpected illnesses, seizures, and doctor visits.) I have not been able to be the 100% teacher I want to be. My students still get about 90% – and I work pretty hard to make sure that 90% is really good. But… the laundry isn’t done. The cleaning isn’t done. We have this “cloud” of stress – that floats over our heads. We rush home from work and busily try to keep up with the demands of running our family. There are jobs that never end. Most people are not still mixing formula at 1 1/2 years of age. Most people don’t need to run a tally on calories before bed to determine how much hydration/calories our son needs. The time that we spend doing these chores is time we can’t spend with our kids. I had to set priorities.

My family needs to be the priority in our life. We need to come together. We need to lift this cloud of stress. Our biggest dilemmas were: Could we afford it? And… what would we do if we lost our Nurse?

The nurse, believe it or not – was a big stressor for us. With 3 year old twins, they are demanding in their own right. I love every moment with them, but they need my attention. I don’t often think of all of Alexander’s “needs,” but I did when we sat down to write letters to the insurance companies. That list is so stinking long. To feed Alexander – it can take an hour or two. (The twins don’t sit quietly during this time.) Alexander gets specific medicine at specific times. If I am distracted, he could miss a dose – and have a seizure. Which brings me to the safety of it all. What if Alexander had a seizure? What would I do about the twins? We aren’t talking about 5 minute seizures…. we are talking about 5 hour seizures. They need to be timed. Medicine is administered. Emergency Personnel is called. I can’t be distracted by the twins screaming in the background. And then there is the issue of the quality of our life. Alexander gets 9 therapies a week. If we were home without our Nurse, we would be trapped in the house. There are so many reasons her place here is irreplaceable.

We should have known by January 1, 2012. We had been putting things in place. Trying to get everything aligned. Readying for this “break.” The problem was – by the first week of January, we still did not know if we would have our nurse or not.

I prayed. That’s right. I prayed. I prayed basically day and night. For some sign…. What was I supposed to do? And then it came to me… as clear as day.

“Jump off that cliff. I will catch you. I always have.”

It is true. God has always caught us. We planned for one baby – due in May. We got 2 – born in October. We did not plan to add Special Needs to our list of “things to do.” But Alexander has been this amazing blessing. God always catches us.

So I told Ray. He was completely flabbergasted. But it is hard to argue with, “God told me to.” I called work. I put in my notice. With no word on our nursing situation. With no promise we could make it. We jumped off the cliff of life and into God’s arms. Completely blind. With complete conviction that God would take care of us.

4 days later, received word that we were approved for our nursing hours. We just refinanced our house and I believe we will make it. And just 2 days ago we learned Alexander’s persistent ear infections are now a priority. We are a “rush” job to get tubes and will have them placed in 10 days. (FYI… as of this morning, we are on our 10th infection since September.)

Jump. Jump. Jump. Right now – we are jumping for joy. But, before you can jump for joy – pray – “What should I do?” And then listen. Even if that means Jumping off a cliff. God will catch you.

So… was there ever a time you “jumped” and God caught you?

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Changes, Family, Life as a SAHM, My Journey in Faith, Our Happy Place, Parenting, Teaching

And Everything Changes

January 3, 2012 By Kristen 3 Comments

More…. How many times have I said I want to be M.O.R.E.?

I’m trying to check my ambitions with my responsibilities. Again.

But – I’m lucky.

First, I have a faith that sustains me when I’m feeling unsorted. It calms me and helps me to see a bit clarity in my life.

Second, I have this … incredible … luck. To stumble upon the best of people. Every time I seem to hit a brick wall – the doors seem to open just a bit.

I was at a stalemate on the blog. I needed a change. A new look. Not something too radicle, but just something better. I’m so in love with the new blog look. I mean… In love. Like I stare at it for no reason….

The blog redesign was done by a friend of a friend – who I now think I can call my own friend. Isn’t it amazing how this bloggy world works? It was as if she appeared out of the blue to work out all the kinks and do the hard work.

I wasn’t totally sold on converting from Blogger to WordPress – but there are so many amazing things that can make your my blog look better. The choices for layout are amazing. You can have sliding headers (like I do). You can have categories and parent pages and the list goes on. There are awesome widgets you can put on WordPress. You can do the CommentLuv widget. When people comment – they can leave their link to their last blog post. I can comment on every single post made – awesome for creating relationships. I also have cute share buttons. LOVE.

Anyway – so I’m totally thrilled about the conversion to WordPress. And I’m totally in awe of Ashley@myfrontporchswing.com

She is amazing. She did the conversion. She did the redesign. Not only that – but she did it over Christmas Break. She was working on my blog on New Years Eve. She worked late hours and answered every question. Not only that – but she gave me some encouragement to try some things for myself. Because that’s what being a blogger is right? Eventually being about to do your own things. So, If you are looking to re-vamp your blog for the New Year – I would defiantly head you over to Ashley’s Website. www.myfrontporchswing.com is the place to check out very reasonable prices and tips for how to go from ehhhh… to WOOOWWWWWWZERS!

Ok. enough gushing.

*****

I’ve also had an opportunity to write for www.mustlovegod.net. My first scheduled post isn’t until for another month or so, but I have so many ideas floating around in my brain it is hard to narrow it down. I’m excited about its launch. I’m excited about the opportunity to grow in my faith with other women. I’m also thrilled that it is called Must Love God… and not “Perfect Christian.” Must Love God? ~ I’ve got that covered. Perfect Christian? ~ um…. not so much.

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Please take a moment to look around the blog. You will notice some new things. I’m starting the Picture 365 challenge. I’m going to try to take a picture every day for a year. I think it sounds like fun and can’t wait. You can also see I am adding some services to the blog. All the revenue from selling Ad space will go into Alexander’s trust ~ so I’m excited to help him in that way. If you are interested in sponsoring a post or a month on the blog – be sure to check it out. There are some great deals right now as we transition into this!

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Which leads me to…. How many of you are looking to get healthy this year? I am – but I’m putting that goal in place at the end of January. (More on that later.) I struggle sometimes when I go to the grocery store to have ANY clue what to get other than fruits and veggies. My good friend Erin is a pro and can help you make this New Year’s resolution a “lifestyle change.” She sells Wildtree Natural Foods. Seriously – they are amazing. Easy. Easy. (Did I mention Easy?) WildTree’s foods are all natural, all organic, and can be shipped directly to your front door. Not only that… but then Erin makes menus and posts them on her website! She is constantly updating with recipes and menus and even freezable meals. She makes it so easy to combine foods you already have in your fridge, freezer, and pantry with a few simple substitutes to make your meal healthy. It. Is. So. Easy. Her products are 100% natural and 100% organic. No MSG. No Preservatives. Awesomeness. Shop her site: www.mywildtree.com/egirard When you shop – use Code ALSFM for 10% of your entire order the Month of January.

There’s a lot going on over here! Can’t wait for 2012!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Changes, In the Online World, Sponsors

Love Grows Best in Little Houses

December 27, 2011 By Kristen 5 Comments

Once upon a time… I dreamed of living in a big house.

It would have this wrap around porch. It would be colonial style and have 4 or 5 bedrooms. I would have a walk in closet. I would have my own bathroom. Picture Barbie’s house… in real life. I would have a garage. I would have a fenced in back yard and be in the back of a culd-a-sac.

Right now we have a fenced in back yard. … that is about the extent of my dream house.

But… when I think about my grandparents. My mom’s parents raised 5 children in a 2 bedroom house. **They had to add a small bedroom when my mom was born – and thus it became a 3 bedroom house**. It only had 1 bathroom. The kitchen was small. The living room was small. … everything was small.

My dad’s parents raised 6 kids in a 3 bedroom, 1 bathroom house. The boy’s room had 2 sets of bunk beds and the 2 girls had the other room. 8 people and one bathroom. Love grows best.

I think we’ve decided to stay here for a little while. Not forever… but a little while. Maybe our love will grow best. Yes – our master bedroom is 10.5 X 10.5 square feet. Yes… the twins will need to share a room. Or Andrew and Alexander will need to share a room. Or…. I don’t know. But – I think this is going to be the place we let our love grow.

Christmas Eve….

Addison, Andrew and Alexander made plates for cookies for Santa and carrots for Rudolph. They needed to decorate them so Santa would know his plate and Rudolph would know his plate.

Best part? They “forced” Alexander to help. He helped with the stickers and crayons. *love*

It is all fun and games until Little Brother takes the plate. Look at his sneaky face…. *love*

And then I remember my in-laws. Their master bedroom is a little bigger than ours. … But the rest of the house has a similar size. They only have one bathroom. They love.

Want to see? We all pile in… to where love grows best.

Siblings hug. We all pile on the floor and play games together.

Nana holds her granddaughters. Andrew decides the Chair needs fixed…. so tool are scattered everywhere.

Siblings tease each other. Her face really does say a million things. As does his…

Presents are opened. In one small living room. Where love grows best.

Gifts are given. Private Jokes are shared. Nephews try to become detectives with their presents.

And underlying all of this – is the simple joy of being together. I think maybe we need to be smooshed in this small house together. Where our love can grow the best.

This picture was taken Christmas night. You might not be able to tell – but they are holding hands. You can’t walk through our living room. There are stacks and stacks of things piled high on our bedroom dresser. But – our kids are still hugging. We hope you had a Merry Christmas. We did. It was wonderful. Church on Sunday, celebrating the birth of Jesus, more time with family, and evenings spent with friends. And every night… returning to our little house.