Today I’m blogging at Must Love God again. This time, I really struggled with the post of my heart. I struggled with how to put it out for everyone to know. I wrote, deleted, wrote, deleted, and finally wrote. I hope my family and friends understand … sometimes a phase of the moon is … just a phase. If you have a minute, head on over and check out the post of my heart. Feel free to comment over there, but please be gentle – remember not all truths are easy to tell.
In my life, there is a big wheel driving me - and believe it or not, at the center is God.
I’m not going to stand here and say I never swear. (Or that I didn’t cuss at Mixie today.) I’m not perfect. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Tomorrow, I might do something I will regret. You never know.
But, God is always in the center.
Right now, I’m struggling. It is the holiest of seasons – Easter. Last year, I had several posts about Easter and I felt renewed in my walk with God. I thought I was over being “angry” with him.
I guess I’m not really angry. It is more like indifferent. Yeah – I know. That is not really a good place to be.
I’m so proud my kids “got” the meaning of the Easter. I know the meaning of Easter. I just don’t feel… grateful.
I don’t feel close to God. There, I said it. I know I will again. But, for now, I’m spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.
Psalm 13: 1-6
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long with my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 My enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
My heart rejoices in your salvation
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
My favorite verse. Since the 8th grade – when it spoke to me and said, “don’t worry… I’ve got you.”
So, I keep it bookmarked. I look at it often. I know my heart will soften. I keep my wheel centered – focused – knowing it will lead me where I need to go.
Start the 30 day photo challenge HERE. (Be sure to check out the other linkers!)
Today – I’m over at Must Love God – talking about the election season as a Christian. I know… It sounds kind of boring – doesn’t it. 
Well, I hope we all remember that as Christians – we don’t have to be the same political party to believe in God. Especially this year with so much religious verbiage floating around. So head on over and give some love to a wonderful community of women.
I am thrilled to be writing for Just. Be. Enough. today. They are an amazing website dedicated to celebrating people – just as they are. I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am. To be part of this great movement of women who want to embrace life – just as they are. I am not more or less – I am just ENOUGH.
Take a minute and hop on over there. Check out my Just. Be. Enough. post. I’ll love you for it. And, while you are there – be sure to check out some of the amazing stories of the other people who are perfect – just as they are.
Oh – don’t forget to stop back tomorrow.
I think I’m going to title it: “I am Pro Life, Anti- Ultrasound, and Anti- Rush.”
Last week, I wrote a post about the journey my heart was taking … a crisis of faith. Our church had a service for “healing” and I wrestled with myself, my faith, and God – over weather or not we should take Alexander. If you would like to read all the reasons I questioned, you can see the original post HERE.
But, what I learned from this journey went much deeper than the original questions of “would this service do any more good than just praying?’ “do I really believe that a special service is necessary for healing to happen?” … and more importantly – “will healing happen?”
You see… it becomes such a complex issue. How do you believe in the power of miracles, but yet feel in your heart that genetics don’t change? How many times have I prayed for emotional healing? More than I can count. How many times have I prayed for someone to get better? More than I can count. But this isn’t like the flu … or even cancer. Where you can cure it. This is GENETICS. I can pray for Alexander to be all that he can be and do amazing things. But… I’m not sure I believe he will grow back D.N.A… which leads to a bigger question – If you believe miracles can happen… how can you put limits on those miracles? And.. would they not happen for Alexander because I put limits on God’s power?
I explained it much better last week… but anyway ….
It turns out there were more things churning in my heart than just this – to “Go” or “Not to Go” – dilemma.
In case you are dying to know – We went. After speaking to several friends on the matter AND several testimonies from people who were ill and became well with the power of healing, we felt it was a good thing to do. I also decided I would ask for healing hands to be laid on myself during the service, because I have also been struggling lately. Before I describe the experience, I would like to share the secrets my heart revealed during this decision making process.
I was ashamed to tell people I was going. You see… I worried – that people would think that I was taking Alexander to this service of “healing” because … I wanted my son to be healed. As in – I didn’t accept him for who he was. I didn’t tell people we were going. I didn’t even call for a babysitter for the twins until 9pm the night before. It took awhile to realize the motive behind this behavior was SHAME. Would people assume I wanted Alexander to become “normal?” That I wanted him to walk and talk and … not have special needs? I felt shame because I didn’t want people to think I don’t love my son – the way he is – since I was taking him to this service to “heal” him.
Ahhhh… but the more important question then to be asked was … Did I want those things? Those things I feared people would assume I wanted for Alexander?
Wow. All the emotions one simple service can call into play. So, here is what I learned about myself through going:
I did want “healing” for my son. If that healing comes in the form of less ear infections or seizures or illnesses, then that would be fine. But, there was also a part of me that wanted Alexander to be able to walk and talk. There is still a part of me that wants to hear him say, “Mommy” some day. So if that makes me a bad person, I will take it. 
I am glad we went. I feel that Alexander will be stronger. I felt the release of some pain I was harboring. Honestly? I prayed as much for my emotional healing and the hand of God to be with my family as I did for Alexander. Does that make me a bad Mom? That I would put my emotional demons, my family’s happiness, and Alexander’s health all with equal weight? Maybe… but I can take it.
It was a weird experience. I have prayed for emotional healing so often. I have prayed for someone to “get better” so often. But… I have never prayed about something involving D.N.A. A whole different level of trust. So, I left my prayers open. For: Healing for Alexander. And we shall see what comes of that prayer.
I offer anyone the opportunity to comment on this post. But, before you comment, a few considerations:
1. Religion and faith is a HIGHLY sensitive topic. Please tread carefully and respect everyone’s opinion.
2. When you mix science and religion – the topic gets even more sensitive… Again – please show respect if you differ in someone’s opinion.
3. If you are visiting from last week’s post at Must Love God – please… comment away – I am interested to see how you feel after taking into account all of your comments – I read them all.
4. One final thing. Around here – writing in all caps is considered shouting. And we don’t shout on this blog. I reserve the right to unapprove any post I feel is inflammatory. Don’t take it personally – but this is my personal space, with my personal readers. And I love them and my sanity too much to allow anyone to offend us all.
Thank you – Shell… as always for letting me Pour My Heart Out. (ps. I can’t believe It’s a new button!)
We did. And I would like to tell you about it.
So just sit back, grab a cup of coffee, and enjoy the twists and turns – our life is changing. Big Time.
I’ve wanted to be a teacher since I was about 2 or 3 years old. I would play “school” with my doll babies. I asked for red pens for Christmas. I took home the extra copies of printouts in elementary school to “teach” my babies all summer long. I love teaching. Several times this summer I posted about our ongoing dilemma concerning teaching and our family.
The truth is – I wanted to keep going. When I shut my door, my room is a sanctuary. My students give me passion. The idea that I can have a hand in helping to open their eyes to the world; helping them to think for themselves; helping them to discover the person they were meant to be… Is my dream. Was my dream. Might still be my dream. (I’m not sure.) But I know this – It cannot be my reality right now.
Truth number 2. Our lives were beginning to unravel. We made promises we couldn’t keep. (unexpected illnesses, seizures, and doctor visits.) I have not been able to be the 100% teacher I want to be. My students still get about 90% – and I work pretty hard to make sure that 90% is really good. But… the laundry isn’t done. The cleaning isn’t done. We have this “cloud” of stress – that floats over our heads. We rush home from work and busily try to keep up with the demands of running our family. There are jobs that never end. Most people are not still mixing formula at 1 1/2 years of age. Most people don’t need to run a tally on calories before bed to determine how much hydration/calories our son needs. The time that we spend doing these chores is time we can’t spend with our kids. I had to set priorities.
My family needs to be the priority in our life. We need to come together. We need to lift this cloud of stress. Our biggest dilemmas were: Could we afford it? And… what would we do if we lost our Nurse?
The nurse, believe it or not – was a big stressor for us. With 3 year old twins, they are demanding in their own right. I love every moment with them, but they need my attention. I don’t often think of all of Alexander’s “needs,” but I did when we sat down to write letters to the insurance companies. That list is so stinking long. To feed Alexander – it can take an hour or two. (The twins don’t sit quietly during this time.) Alexander gets specific medicine at specific times. If I am distracted, he could miss a dose – and have a seizure. Which brings me to the safety of it all. What if Alexander had a seizure? What would I do about the twins? We aren’t talking about 5 minute seizures…. we are talking about 5 hour seizures. They need to be timed. Medicine is administered. Emergency Personnel is called. I can’t be distracted by the twins screaming in the background. And then there is the issue of the quality of our life. Alexander gets 9 therapies a week. If we were home without our Nurse, we would be trapped in the house. There are so many reasons her place here is irreplaceable.
We should have known by January 1, 2012. We had been putting things in place. Trying to get everything aligned. Readying for this “break.” The problem was – by the first week of January, we still did not know if we would have our nurse or not.
I prayed. That’s right. I prayed. I prayed basically day and night. For some sign…. What was I supposed to do? And then it came to me… as clear as day.
“Jump off that cliff. I will catch you. I always have.”
It is true. God has always caught us. We planned for one baby – due in May. We got 2 – born in October. We did not plan to add Special Needs to our list of “things to do.” But Alexander has been this amazing blessing. God always catches us.
So I told Ray. He was completely flabbergasted. But it is hard to argue with, “God told me to.” I called work. I put in my notice. With no word on our nursing situation. With no promise we could make it. We jumped off the cliff of life and into God’s arms. Completely blind. With complete conviction that God would take care of us.
4 days later, received word that we were approved for our nursing hours. We just refinanced our house and I believe we will make it. And just 2 days ago we learned Alexander’s persistent ear infections are now a priority. We are a “rush” job to get tubes and will have them placed in 10 days. (FYI… as of this morning, we are on our 10th infection since September.)
Jump. Jump. Jump. Right now – we are jumping for joy. But, before you can jump for joy – pray – “What should I do?” And then listen. Even if that means Jumping off a cliff. God will catch you.
So… was there ever a time you “jumped” and God caught you?
I was asked to be a contributing writer at a Christian Woman’s Blog. I said Yes. It is www.mustlovegod.net. I’m super excited and can’t wait to start writing all these posts in my heart.
But – truth be told… I cussed three people out today. If it helps – I didn’t do it to their face.
I’m really glad the website is called Must Love God. I definitely do…. but I am such a sinner.
![IMG_0026[1]](http://lh3.ggpht.com/-FGpb3QOSRCw/Tu6oQnU-e6I/AAAAAAAAEMc/brptpHQERjg/s1600-h/IMG_0026%25255B1%25255D%25255B6%25255D.jpg "IMG_0026[1]")
While we are still on the topic of religion… I bought the kids a Veggie Tales Nativity Set the other day. And, I’m totally conflicted about it. You see…. here is the thing – We have a Nativity Scene. It is our “no touch” nativity. And… part of me says the kids should be able to interact with the Nativity. They should be able to touch baby Jesus and they should be able to “feel” that which is hard to touch. So I bought the Veggie Tales Nativity. Here is my little problem. What if they start playing Barbie with Baby Jesus? I have a real problem with baby Jesus hopping a ride in the Barbie Car.
Which makes me think about how I come off online. I talk a lot about the praying that I do. Praying for guidance… Praying for wisdom…. Praying for my children. I don’t necessarily come out and blog about when I am irritated about things. (Ok. Well sometimes I do.) But – I don’t come out and air all our dirty laundry. (Ok. Well… believe it or not – what I do air is not ALL of it.)
I was getting dressed yesterday and wondering what I was going to put together for this post. As I was doing this – I was racing around our house, after my 3 minute shower, trying to find a pair of underware (living room), trying to find a pair of clean pants (basement), and trying to find a clean shirt (hmmmm…. closet). I totally gave up on the sock issue.
![IMG_0810[1]](http://lh5.ggpht.com/-VEwToWMmKk4/Tu6oRivkJRI/AAAAAAAAEMs/0RjEokVjKs4/s1600-h/IMG_0810%25255B1%25255D.jpg "IMG_0810[1]")
Did you know that 99% of the time I’m wearing socks with holes in them or socks that are on “day2”? Seriously – sometimes I even break down and buy packs of socks – only to see them disappear and I’m back to my holey / dirty socks. Today, at church, was no example. Sock on left foot – dirty. Sock on right foot – 3 holes. They didn’t match. Don’t believe me? I have evidence….
![IMG_0811[1]](http://lh6.ggpht.com/-lzOxl20QxDU/Tu6oSidFdWI/AAAAAAAAEM8/St0-_RcNhFQ/s1600-h/IMG_0811%25255B1%25255D%25255B4%25255D.jpg "IMG_0811[1]")
I can tell you this. I usually end up having two pictures taken of me. Picture 1 – real me.
Then I look at picture 1 and realize I didn’t “suck in my neck”
![IMG_0812[1]](http://lh4.ggpht.com/-ROpauXjKwIY/Tu6oTm8nwhI/AAAAAAAAENM/ZYjykydF6eA/s1600-h/IMG_0812%25255B1%25255D%25255B4%25255D.jpg "IMG_0812[1]")
and thus – picture 2.
See… I’m a completely different person. Just like online.
Happy Monday. Got anything for us? The only rule is your “photo” / “video” / and now “drawing” has to be your own. Link up.
Just kidding.
Just wanted to get your attention.
We are still here. You know its bad when your dad asks if you’ve given up blogging.
The holiday season is kicking us in the rear.
I feel like singing the 12 pains of Christmas.
But not really. It is just 24 hours in a day is not enough time to do all that my heart wants to do.
It has always been this way. Do you know how many Christmas presents I’ve given and had to say- “Don’t touch the paint! It is still wet!”? Let’s just say… a lot.n (Please… family members = no need to make a list in the comments section).
Plus… are anyone else’s kids super bad right now? They are like maniacs! I need to know – is it the season? Is it a reaction to sugar and lights? Is it because we are out of routine? Or…. please say no… is it because they are 3? I need them to go back to normal once Baby Jesus is born. Please…..
So Ray and I are going to do some shopping today. I believe this might not end well. He can be …. impatient …. at times. I need way more stuff than he knows about. And he already did his Christmas season duty for the day – addressing cards. We have enough for 3 friends. (That’s a big oops on my part when ordering!) – so if you get an e-mail Christmas Card … then – well… Merry Christmas!
Things yet to be done this Season:
Anything from Santa in our stockings.
Anything for Ray
Parents![IMG_0781[1]](http://lh5.ggpht.com/-tNFBjxX6vyc/Tuyj-CT0EqI/AAAAAAAAEL8/qiv_bo7AGMM/s1600-h/IMG_0781%25255B1%25255D%25255B8%25255D.jpg "IMG_0781[1]")
Nieces and Nephews are not finished
No Christmas cookies baked
Our Tree… well – you can look for yourself. Had a bit of a meltdown. (See… no lights on the top half… oops!)
House is messy.
Haven’t finished homemade ornaments.
um…. And pretty much all other things…. Yup… We are a little behind here.
Things that have been done this season:
Lots of hugs given to my children
Watched Frosty and Rudolph while snuggling on the couch
My children know the story of Jesus’ birth and can tell you. (They do call it a barn… but – we are ok with that.)
Made 4 gingerbread houses with my kids… because they realized it was fun and we had opportunities.
Rearranged our schedules to visit with some friends and family members we rarely see.
Took a cousin Black Friday Shopping – because it was fun – not because we had to.
Prayed hard to make decisions about our family … lots of decisions to be made.
Decided to be a contributor at a woman’s Christian Blog – more on that later. (I’m guessing I’m the bad one? 
Been a part of a few mini-miracles this season. And Loved Every Minute Of It.
Made people our priority… not things.
Speaking of…. Not broken a blender in at least a month.
Merry Christmas. How is everyone else’s season going? Do my kids return to normal?
Stop Laughing. Seriously. Stop Laughing. It’s in the Bible, right? I mean… all we have to do is just sit back, listen to what they say, and then .. do it. Right?
A good friend of mine blogged about the Welcome to Holland Essay. She used the “strikethrough” – which I think is the greatest literary tool ever invented, to make sure the essay conveyed her thoughts. You can check it out HERE. Although I’m not working on a special needs essay, I am going to use her methodology to dissect this excerpt from a 1950’s Home Ec textbook.:
The Good Housewife
The following is excerpted from an actual 1950′s high school Home Economics textbook:
HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious edible meal–on time at some point in the evening. This is a way to let him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned with his needs Everyone needs to eat and you are going to end up fixing it either way, so you might as well get in the habit of doing it. Most men are hungry when they come home, and having a good meal ready is part of the warm welcome that is needed will make you wife of the year.
PREPARE YOURSELF: Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives because you are exhausted from all your daily “chores”. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting Be sure to share with him all the stories of children pooping in the hallway and tearing out every shoe from every closet so he appreciates his time out, besides,. His boring day may need a lift. Greet him with a smile.
CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up sighing at all the children’s books and toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order the site of a tornado landing, and it will give you lift too.
PREPARE THE CHILDREN: If they are small, wash their hands and faces and comb their hair. They are his little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.Try to find all your children. Attempt to make sure no one has any evidence of your poor parenting skills on their person – aka. left over lunch you didn’t get to wash off, poop still stuck to something, or buggers crusted on their cheeks.
MINIMIZE ALL NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise from the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. I have no words here. NO. WORDS.
SOME “DO NOT’S”: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. And expect that he won’t greet you that way either. But do lean on each other … as a sounding board for your struggles and successes. Count this as a minor problem compared to what he might have gone through that day. He probably had some big crisis he took care of at his big time job… but you gave all 3 children LIFE and kept them safe for another day. You did ok too. Feel good about those accomplishments.
MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Have a cool or warm drink ready for him then fix yourself something with a kick. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom help do something while you lie down in the bedroom. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Again, NO. WORDS. Speak in a low, soothing voice. By expressing yourself in that low “I’m gonna go crazy if I don’t get some help around here voice” you will scare him into doing something. Allow him to relax and unwind.
LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival so make sure you get them all out quickly. When he is firmly seated in front of Sports Center is not the time. Let him talk first eventually.
MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he doesn’t take you to dinner or to other entertainment.Men forget that you are not a wife from 1950 and like to sit around and wait on their every need. Instead, try to help him understand his your world of strain and pressure and his your need to unwind and relax.
THE GOAL: TO MAKE YOUR HOME A PLACE OF PEACE AND ORDER WHERE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND CONTINUE TO LOVE EACH OTHER.CAN RELAX IN BODY AND SPIRIT.
So…. where is the marriage to be? 1950’s style? Or the more “modern” version of today? Or somewhere in between? I will tell you this – I am NO marriage expert.
But, Biblically, it says in Ephesians 5:22 – Wives, submit to your husbands. Guess what it says in Ephesians 5:28? Husbands love your wife as you love yourself. Yeah… it’s not one sided men. 
Have you ever heard the phrase, too many cooks in the kitchen? Why is it that almost everyone can agree that a time CAN come when there are too many people in the kitchen and nothing runs effectively. It would be better if there was one person in charge and others working on tasks. (Uh oh… how many followers have I lost here?) But, no one wants to admit that there can be too many leaders in the marriage? (I can see the followers dropping like flies.)
If Ray loves me as he loves himself – then I can submit. Because I know that he would never do anything to harm himself and would only want the best for himself. That does not mean that I can’t have an opinion. Or offer my opinion. Or that we don’t argue… a lot. Or that probably a lot of people would say, “I can’t believe she thinks she submits to him.” Because often when we are out it seems I am in charge.
Looks can be deceiving. There can only be one Rooster in the henhouse, one cook in the kitchen.. but it is a two sided equation. I expect that Ray will love me as he loves himself. And he can expect me to submit.
Eventually. (Just kidding!)
So… what do you think? Should that verse be thrown out completely? Interpreted differently? Who’s the BOSS in your family? Who’s telling me off and moving on to a new blog? It is ok.
(ps. as I was writing this Ray was plucking my last nerve and I told him I was going to delete everything I said after my re-write of the Good Wife…. so I guess I’m still working on the submission thing.)
There are only 2 books in the Bible named after women, Ruth and Esther. There are less than 200 named women discussed in the Bible. Much of this is a cultural phenomenon; women weren’t considered equal during biblical times. So when a woman is mentioned, by name, in the Bible – we should pay attention to the words surrounding her. There is a reason this woman was held to such a high standard to make it into God’s Word.
The book of Ruth was a favorite of my childhood Sunday School teacher. We did several Bible studies on that book, but the eyes of a child sees things differently than the eyes of an adult. As a child, I was a would-be-Ruth. I would stand beside what was morally correct. I would walk away from what I knew. I would support the Naomis in my life. I would eventually find my Boaz. Ruth … her strength was what I envisioned myself holding.
Naomi – she was a broken woman. How could someone give up on life? Yes, life had dealt her hardships, but she just crumpled. Naomi was weak. Naomi was only in the Bible to help accentuate how strong Ruth was. I would never be Naomi.
15 years later, I became Naomi. Honestly, Ray became my Ruth. (yes… I know that Ruth is a woman and Ray is a man). But, before we dated, Ray barely went to church. Our relationship also built his relationship with God. When the chips crumpled at my feet and I was left with dreams unfilled – Raymond became the strength that held me up. Ray provided for me when I could not provide for myself. Raymond did not give up on God. Raymond made sure we went to church every Sunday, when I could have skipped.
In the book of Ruth – Chapter 1: 20-21 it says “Don’t call me Naomi,” she told them. “Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The Lord has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.”
I will tell you this. Those words could have come from my mouth. Last summer, I specifically remember telling people, “Don’t say God has a plan.” “Don’t tell me everything happens for a reason.” I was a bitter person and angry at God. All these dreams of being a strong Ruth were gone, and left in the wake was Naomi. Raymond did whatever it took to make sure our family survived. Raymond became a pillar of strength when I could not be.
I’m sharing this post because I’m going to write about that time… the summer of 2010. As I write about my feelings, emotions, and actions – I really struggled with what to share. Then I went to bible study. The topic? Ruth. I was excited to discuss this book I already knew so much about. I was excited to offer my insights into Ruth. Do you know who I had insight into? Naomi.
It was as if God was leading my heart to this point. It is ok to share your story. Naomi was not just a supporting character in Ruth’s journey. Many more people can identify with Naomi than with Ruth. Trust your heart. Share your modern day reenactment of Naomi’s broken spirit.
So I will. And I will link it back here so we can remember – God values all feelings: Strength and Weakness.
Tomorrow… the post of my heart.
I am a former teacher, turned SAHM. I have 3 children. The twins, Andrew and Addison, turned 3 years old in October. I also have a 1 year old baby who was born with a very rare chromosomal disorder - Wolf Hirschhorn Syndrome. The good, the bad, the ugly.. all here. Because this blog keeps me from drinking.
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