Parenting

It wasn’t Giving Birth that Made me a MOM

May 13, 2012 By Kristen 25 Comments

On Becoming A MOM…

Truth be told, I have never had that “amazing birth experience.” In fact… I’m the woman that no newly pregnant woman should ever talk to. Someday I will share the twins’ birth story to accompany Alexander’s, but not today.

This post is not to rehash the time spent post delivery or life as a NICU mom.

Someone this week asked, “At what moment did you feel like a Mother?” Answer? Now…

Dear Andrew, Addison, and Alexander:

Every day I feel more and more like your mother. Every single day I love you more and more. Like Seriously. I was at a Mother-Daughter banquet and a woman asked all the mothers to raise their hands. As my hand slowly crept into the air, tears filled my eyes. Because I. am. your. Mommy. Everyday. And it makes me the luckiest person in the world. I don’t care that you are wild and crazy twin toddlers. Or that you have special needs. Or that sometimes our lives seem filled with doctor visits or therapy visits. I just can’t believe that God has entrusted me with such amazing gifts.

When I was a child. I had dreams. I was going to change the world. Teach the youth. Erase bigotry, open the minds of young people. I was going to do important things in the world.

Now my children have changed those dreams. I want to change the world for you. I want to teach you and open your mind. And you know what? I am doing important things in the world…

I cannot even begin to describe all the emotions of my heart this Mother’s Day. It is more than Love

Linking up with Memories Captured:

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: In the Online World, Parenting, Sweet Child of Mine

I’m not ready to be a single parent.

April 20, 2012 By Kristen 11 Comments

As I type this, Raymond is in the operating room – having surgery on his foot. He broke it in a bad spot and is having a pin placed to hold the break.

1 month. 4 weeks. 30 days. He will be out of commission for a 43,200 minutes. It seems like a lifetime.

I should be more sympathetic to his needs. I should be more worried about how he is taking it.

Truth? I’m just not ready to be a single parent for a month.

He won’t be able to walk, or drive, or do anything that involves bearing weight for 30 days.

6a00d834a0a64b69e20147e3dda92a970b-800wi

Not Ray. Just a cute man washing dishes

But it is so much more than that. He does so many things around the house. He does so much to make our house run like a smooth operating machine.

He takes out the trash.

He takes care of the recycling

He mows the grass

He walks Mixie (4 or more times a day)

He gives the children a bath.

He cleans up the dishes (unless he is doing yard work after dinner.)

He washes the little syringes that I hate to do. I let them pile up – and then he washes about a hundred of them.

When there is a load of laundry that I haven’t done – he does it.

He helps me to dress the kids at night.

He makes Alexander’s formula to put on the pump.

*sigh*

He helps with everything.

Everything.

What am I going to do without my partner? Who will do all those things? I know the answer… and I don’t like it.

I’m just not ready to be a single parent. Even if it is for a month. So, I might not be around as much. I will be doing all the things Ray normally handles. And – I’m pretty lucky… because he does a lot.

Big Props to all you Single Mothers out there.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Parenting

Why we don’t use the word “fair” around this house.

April 16, 2012 By Kristen 10 Comments

Sometimes, when the kids are chasing each other – antagonizing Mixie – I have the urge to say, “Stop! You are teasing Mixie and you know better. That’s not very fair to her.” Instead – I bite back those words.

I say, “… That’s not very nice.” Because we don’t use the word “fair” in our house.

Life isn’t fair. No one’s life is fair. And we aren’t going to start talking about what is or isn’t fair. Because it doesn’t matter.

When you say something isn’t fair, the implied statement is “based on what someone else has.”

Well, then Alexander’s syndrome isn’t fair. Because he has to work so hard to do the simplest task and has medical issues. That’s not fair.

The twins don’t have a fair roll of the dice. Their brother just got a new dog they can’t play with, a new Ipad they can’t play with, all sorts of therapy toys they can’t play with, and every week people come to play with him… not them. That’s not fair.

Yes, it is even not fair to Mixie. This great big dog to live in a house where so many temptations exist. She can’t play with any of the cool kids toys. She can’t run with the kids that can run with her. She has to lay and hang out with the kid who doesn’t walk yet. That’s not fair.

How far do you take it? Nothing is fair. People who get cancer … it isn’t fair. People who die young… it isn’t fair. Are we really going to use the same verbiage to describe a situation over toys?

We use other words …

“Don’t tease. It’s not nice.”

“Those (insert objects) are to help Alexander get bigger… what will you teach him when he is bigger?”

“I know (insert name) got something special. Is there something special you would like to do? Maybe we can do that sometime soon.”

As a parent, we mentally think…. How do I make things fair for my children. But I never say those words out loud.

Do you talk about “fairness” in your house? Do you worry about it?

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Parenting, Sweet Child of Mine

You are Beautiful

March 11, 2012 By Kristen 9 Comments

You know, sometimes you just have to shelve your original plans for a post and go with your heart. Tonight, while listening to The Word FM, I heard the most disturbing news. And, thus – this post.

Apparently there is a new trend happening on YouTube. Teens have been posting videos of themselves online – asking the public if they are beautiful.

I don’t really know where to begin from here. Who do I address? The teenagers? You are Beautiful. Just the way you are. You should know that. But, If you don’t know… I understand – you are young. Let’s talk to some people who should know better first.

How about the parents? Grandparents? Mentors? Do you tell your children they are beautiful? Do you encourage them? Do you stroke their hair and kiss their cheeks? Do. You. Tell. Your. Kids. You. Love. Them? No, this is not sort of a rhetorical question. Don’t assume they know. Because they don’t just “know.” They want words. Parents, I’m telling you this as someone who has spent 50 or more hours a week with teenagers for the last 8 years. They need both – actions and words. These videos are just one more cry for those words. Please tell your children they are beautiful. Continue to tell them – every single day. It doesn’t matter if they wear clothes you don’t approve of, or do things you don’t approve of… these are just phases. They need to know you love them. As horrible as this sounds, our society has put some sort of link between beauty and love. So for now, don’t assume it is implied. Tell them you love them. Tell them they are beautiful – so they don’t need to ask strangers.

Which brings me to society. What is wrong with us? As a people? That we put so much emphasis on beauty? That we equate beauty with love? And… we set this standard for beauty that no one can live up to? Don’t we see what we are doing to the young people? As if anorexia, bulimia, and other body issues aren’t enough – now we are going to allow teens to feel so “unworthy” that they publically ask to be critiqued on this standard? Shame. On. Us. We should be telling the children in our society that size 0 is not the norm. We all know this, but we still don’t practice it. Please, ease some of the pressure. As a society- we need to remind our youth that beauty is not based on air brushed models.

So, finally… back to the teenagers. It really doesn’t matter. If you are a size 2, or 12, or 22. You are still beautiful. You are still loved. If you spend time with people who don’t help you realize that – find new people. If a guy/girl isn’t interested in you – it is their loss. Someone better will come along. You want to surround yourself with people who appreciate you for everything you have to offer. Those people exist… and those people don’t base their judgments on this ideal of beauty. Because. You. Are. All. Beautiful.

Beauty isn’t what is shown on the outside. Beauty is from the inside. Please, don’t ask the world to judge you. You don’t need it. You are perfect, just as you are.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: I've Got an Opinion on Everything, Parenting

A Perfect Start to the week

March 5, 2012 By Kristen 7 Comments

A perfect Monday morning.

That is what today is. As I look around my living room, I see my 3 children happy.

Helping during Therapy

Addison, my cuddle bug, is getting enough attention again. She is back to her role as “helper.” She loves her brothers – but she wants to be with Alexander all the time. On Friday night, I asked Addison if Alexander could sit next to her as we watched our bedtime Veggie Tales story. She said, “no.” With the innocence of a 3 year old. Who had just had enough of everything Alexander. That is the thing about toddlers… they are honest.

They are "fishing"

Today is better. We’ve spent the weekend taking the emphasis off of Alexander and putting it back on our family. She’s been by his side all morning. (And they sat together last night).

Andrew is back to his ornery self. He grew up so much while we were away. He learned to operate the elevator. He learned how to change the channels on the TV. He learned how to do so much. It was sort of shocking for this Momma to see. Her little boy went from 3 to 13 in a matter of 10 days, not years. Since we’ve been home, Andrew is still pretty much wanting to do everything himself, but once again needs his teddy and his yellow blanket. Which makes this Momma smile.

And, Alexander…. well – that kid bounces back like no one I’ve ever seen. He has already regained some of his muscle tone. He’s back to sitting for periods of time again. He is making noises again. He has become obsessed with touching things and making music. The I-pad, the mini – computer, and all other toys are fair game. He is much more animated again.

The things I love the most? My children playing on a Monday morning. What else could be sweeter?

Anyone else having a happy Monday? Anyone else have a sweet memory to share?

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Life as a SAHM, Our Happy Place, Parenting

Is it really a sacrifice if you do it for LOVE?

February 26, 2012 By Kristen 28 Comments

Tomorrow – I will write about our time away. I promise! But – today, I’m going to write a post prompted by an intriguing e-mail.

The sacrifices we make.

I know many people have read our posts while we were at 4 paws and questioned if we made the right decision.

I’m not going to lie. The training was intense and we do have hurdles to overcome. We must continue to foster the bond between Alexander and Mixie – while not hurting Andrew and Addison. And maintaining order with a puppy. A puppy!!! What were we thinking?!?!I

We were thinking this: If Alexander seizes for hours, at his size, and we miss it – he will probably not survive. His deletion is large. In my heart, I believe this contributes to his uncontrollable seizures. (I have no scientific evidence to back this up – only a gut instinct.) Either way… 4, 5, 6 hour seizures – WITH MEDICINE – leaves you to ask the hard question: What would happen if he started seizing and didn’t get medicine. We don’t want to be a statistic.

Everyone has priorities.

- Some people live in a big house. I love going in those houses…. They have space for people to gather, socialize, nothing looks cluttered… bedrooms are bigger than our family living space. *sigh* Could we have those things? Possibly

- Some people spoil their children. They go to Disney and take multiple vacations and have the newest and coolest toys. I don’t say this with malice… What toys children have is none of my business and I don’t care. My kids get things from second hand stores and yard sales. Craig’s list is my best friend.

- Some people buy “adult toys.” They get new electronics and gadgets. They have big screen TV’s, new computers, the coolest new phones, etc. Some people get new cars every few years. We drive a 2002 Nissan Sentra and a Dodge Grand Caravan. Not exactly the coolest cars ever.

- Some people buy new clothes, get their hair done, nails done, eyebrows waxed, etc. on a regular basis. I do not own a pair of pants without holes in them. Truth. I usually end up with something close to a uni-brow before I go in to get them waxed (painfully when you have more hair to wax than leave behind.) **Sigh – I don’t shop the “amazing deals” at Kohl’s, because they are still more money than I want to spend.

- Some people have passions of their heart. I know several families who feel convicted to adopt children who need a home. They sacrifice in order to pursue that dream. I know others who have other passions. I own a pottery wheel (from my former life) that sits collecting dust. I used to love to mold things with clay.

- I just quit my job. We gave up 1/2 our income. I honestly don’t know if we can pay our bills on 1/2 the income, but we are going to try our darndest. Think of all the things we could provide for our children with 2 incomes. My presence at home is worth more than that.

We all make sacrifices. I could continue to work… and we could provide more for our children – our family. I could have clothes without holes. We could take more vacations. We could drive a car with less than 100,000 miles on it. (Ok. The van is just under 100,000) – but you get the drift.

We could have NOT gone to Ohio to get Mixie. I would have more time to blog and less time to “train” a dog. I wouldn’t have the worries about bonding with the twins versus Alexander. I wouldn’t have had to do an emergency child/puppy proof my house first thing this morning at super lightening speed.

Priorities. The life of my children. The life of my son. It is worth it to us. You may not understand it. I don’t expect you to. Until you’ve raced to the nearest hospital following a medical helicopter with your son in it, I don’t really expect you to get it. Until you’ve held his hand and prayed for him to “break” out of it, I don’t expect you to totally get it.

We are all parents here – struggling to do the best we can.

Priorities. The happiness of my children. All of my children. It is worth it to us. There are things we do around here. We buy fish and pretend they will learn tricks like Mixie. We take them with us to stay in a small hotel room … because there are too many times they are left out of things. I don’t quite expect people to understand. Unless they’ve repeatedly watched the faces fall when so many things seem to be “for their brother,” how can people really get it?

Will my kids realize the sacrifices we’ve made for their health and happiness? Part of me hopes so. A bigger part of me hopes not. Because they aren’t really sacrifices. They are a re-arrangement of priorities. I don’t know that you can call these things sacrifices when they are done for LOVE.

All parents do it. Find the trade off between priorities. I don’t question other parent’s priorities. Please don’t question ours. I feel, now that we have traveled down this journey of blogging – we have opened up ourselves to be judged. However – in the same respect, I blog honestly because life isn’t always easy. Why would I tell families that getting a service dog is as easy as 1-2-3? Why would I gloss over some of our struggles to paint a picture that isn’t … us? What is the point of blogging? To let others know they are not alone?

That doesn’t mean we regret our decision. The health and happiness of my children. Priorities. Sacrifices made from love…. that mean – they really aren’t sacrifices, more like trading. And I would trade the world to have 3 children live to adulthood and be filled with love. So – there you have it.

What do you “trade” for your family? Do you think they are sacrifices?

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, I've Got an Opinion on Everything, Our Happy Place, Parenting

Without the Family Pet…

February 11, 2012 By Kristen 1 Comment

Last night was the first night Ray hasn’t had a dog in about 14 years. It was the first night I haven’t had a dog in 10 or so… and it was weird.

No one to take out when we got home.

No one to take out when we went to bed.

No barks coming at us to greet us at the door.

**sigh** Yesterday was a sad day.

In case you don’t remember, we had to put Ray’s dog down in August. Both of our dogs were rescue dogs, cruelly abused in their youth, large dogs with hip problems, and around 14 years old. It is not that I don’t understand that sometimes pets must have this happen… It is trying to explain to 3 year olds what happened.

For those of you wondering – We told the kids the dogs went to heaven. I don’t know if dogs really go to heaven, but my children are raised that heaven is an amazing place you go when you die (even though they don’t understand “die”) …so we said heaven.

Me: Jack is going to heaven today. Remember? To play with Jake.

Kids: And then Jack will bring Jake back home to play with us.

Me: No, Jack and Jake are going to stay up in heaven and play.

Kids: But who will take care of them up there?

Me: Jesus wants to play with them.

Kids: And then they will come back and play with us?

Me: No… they are going to stay up there with Jesus.

UGH.

I honestly don’t know how people explain to their children about the loss of a beloved family member or friend.

How in the world do those people handle the constant questions?

So, we have jumped over this hurdle. We are packing for our trip… and now there is only one more piece of “heartbreaking” news I have to give the twins. Suggestions are welcome:

The new dog that we get… it isn’t for you – it is (once again) for Alexander.

Anyone have some great ideas on how to break that to 3 year olds?

Filed Under: Random Things Tagged With: Family, Parenting

I’m Afraid I suck. What if I’m Right?

February 7, 2012 By Kristen 55 Comments

I’m afraid this is going to come out wrong… so if at the end of this post – you want to unfollow, unsubscribe, or un-anything… I will understand. I might want to unsubscribe to myself too.

I’m sucking at this SAHM thing. And let’s be clear… I’m not used to sucking. I mean… I know I’ve mentioned it before, but – I don’t do things unless I’m sure I’m going to be good at them.

Structure, I can handle. Business – I can handle. I’ve always been this way. I’ve written my college papers at the last minute, I’ve gone on minimal sleep, I’ve pushed myself to the edge.

But what happens when I don’t have to get dressed every day? Do you know how many days I’ve spent in the hot pink velvet sweat pants? Do you know how many days the kids haven’t been dressed until lunch time?

I thought they would stop acting out when I was home… I think they are acting out MORE!

Before – it was easy to keep structure from 4pm until bedtime. Enforce the rules, have some fun, play, … you know. Honestly – don’t hate me – but we get compliments all the time on the twin’s behavior. They listen. We can take them out to restaurants, to the store, basically everywhere. People come up to us regularly because they are such good listeners. You know why I think that was? Because … maybe I’m only able to be a good parent in short stints. It isn’t hard to make rules and enforce them for 3 or 4 hours a day.

But now? CRAP. From 6am until 8pm? I SUCK! I don’t have the ability to give them structure. I don’t want to yell at them all day. So, I let some things slide. They do things now that I never let them do before. They have realized that sometimes I give in – so they push back. But… I just don’t want to be a 24/7 enforcer. So, yes… sometimes I let them run around in their underware. But, then I can’t get them to stop to get dressed. I think I suck at this.

I’m not used to it. I don’t do things unless I’m sure I can be… like the best there ever was at it. What am I supposed to do if I’m terrible? What am I supposed to do if I really suck at this?

Truth? The house isn’t really any cleaner. The laundry isn’t always done. I’ve tried to balance the checkbook 3 times and I just can’t seem to make it work.

What if I’m better at teaching than I am at mothering??

What if I’m better at earning a paycheck than I am at managing our house?

Thanks Shell … for letting me Pour My Heart Out.

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, Life as a SAHM, Parenting, These Kids just might Drive me Crazy

I Never Thought it Would Happen to Me.

January 16, 2012 By Kristen 11 Comments

I’m going to write something that will probably come across as arrogant, rude, and selfish. I’m not going to filter my words or sensor my thoughts. I’m going to write to the people who will read. This is probably one of the few posts I would not share with my children. Ever.

But. The internet is forever, and so I will apologize to my kids first. For not being a better human. And secondly tell you that – every once in awhile – something needs to be said, even if you are ashamed of it.

I never thought it would happen to me.

I never in a million years imagined I would have a child with special needs. Much less – many needs.

You see…. My mom was a strait “A” student. She is smart. But my dad, is so smart – he makes even smart people feel dumb. He scored perfect on his math SAT’s. He missed 50 points on his English SAT’s. He’s a certified genius.

I was part of the “gifted” program. (I told you it was going to sound arrogant.) I don’t mean it to come across that way. Not that many people even know that. So was my brother. I don’t know that I ever took a class that wasn’t CP or AP. (Ok … yes… a science class I had to take when I realized Chemistry was not for me.) I was lazy when I felt like it because usually I could pass a class with minimal effort.

Arrogant me talking again – I never once doubted I would be accepted into a “Non-Ivy-League” college. I only took my SAT’s once because I knew the score was high enough to get in. I didn’t study for my teaching tests and even took the Math test without a calculator. (I forgot it… Who does that?!?!)

Ray is smart. He went to a big college. He graduated with honors. (Me too! Me too!) Several of his nieces and nephews are in various gifted programs.

We have great genetics.

It never in a million years crossed my mind that we would have a child with a genetic syndrome. That would impair almost every aspect of his life. Not in a million years.

You can judge me as you see fit. I’m ok with it. I’m not going to hide in shame because of my shameful arrogance. That we were too bright to have a child with delays.

Guess what? It doesn’t matter how bright you are. I used to “pray” for a healthy baby, but – if I am revealing the secrets of my heart – I never really thought I wouldn’t have a healthy baby.

It happens to other people. I’m impatient. I want instant gratification. I want to multi-task my life away.

Ugh. If I were another parent I would want to smack myself.

** I’ve make a lot of mistakes when it comes to being a “person” **

But, once you enter this world – lights shine on things that clutter the corners of other houses. Without Alexander, I may never have truly understood what it means to fight for your child. Or have fear for your child.

I will tell you – there are many people that have special needs and are denied care or services. You can chose to believe this statement or ignore it. But it is the truth. If you read and research this topic – you will find other stories.

Most parents I know (with children who have many medical needs) have a fear that someday their child will be “cut off.”

Most parents I know (with children who have many medical needs) have had to fight for some sort of care.

Most parents I know… never thought it would happen to them either.

You never know where life will take you. The twists and turns come so fast – sometimes the momentum propels you further than ever imagined. When looking at families around us, we should all be thankful for the blessings we have – because you never know when something life changing will happen.

** I am, for the record, THANKFUL that it happened to me. Everyday with my children (all 3 of them) is a blessing. That isn’t what this post is about. It is about recognizing that life does not always “happen” the way we think it will. **

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Battling the Demons Within, Medical Issues, Misunderstanding, Parenting, Special Needs, WHS

No! No! No!

January 12, 2012 By Kristen 3 Comments

I feel like a child. Yelling “No!” Because I made a childish mistake. I passed judgment on another woman. And I should. not. have.

I’ve posted on not judging how many times?

I’ve posted funny photos of my kids dressing up. YES… sometimes Andrew was in a dress. He MIGHT need therapy someday.

I’ve posted photos of Alexander in the hospital. YES… he might need therapy too. But I want people to remember what we fight for. (And… I just added that little bit during my “edit before post time” – And I shouldn’t have had to.)

I’ve posted things about Addison and her “gawky” years. Ok… She is definitely going to need therapy.

We all do. In our own little way. We all put pictures, tell stories, weave our tale into our blog. It is our platform. Our piece of heaven. Our little slice… to be cut the way we see fit.

Now – that woman is being attacked. Personally…. like – all over the internet.

Do I think this little blog ignited a firestorm? No. I’m not delusional enough to think that many people read my blog. (Plus – I can see the stats. Smile ) But… I need to own the fact that my blog has added to it.

In 2 weeks I’m getting a chance to guest post. On a blog much bigger than mine. I’m going all out. I’m talking about the one thing I don’t talk about here. Why? Because I can. Because there is a little freedom that goes along with being a guest poster. You can open a little more. Because I want to write something worthy of being honored on that blog. Because I don’t want to be vanilla. I want to be Raspberry. And not everyone loves Raspberry. … but those who do – ask for it all year long.

Cut a Mommy a break. Her kids sometimes pluck her nerves. You know what? So do mine.

Finally – I’m going to leave you all with a confession. Are you ready to hear it?

Right now. Alexander grinds his teeth. He giggles and strokes my face. He “yells” at the top of his lungs when we don’t give him enough attention. It is adorable. (Well… not the teeth grinding – but…)

It is adorable because he only weighs 11 lbs and is so cute.

What if he still does those things when he is 20? What if I am embarrassed to take my child for groceries because he yells at the top of his lungs? If you think those thoughts never cross my mind – you are wrong. I push them away… but they are still there.

Does this make me any less of a mom than before? Or less loving than before? I say “NO.” And… I would tell anyone to walk a mile in my shoes before they said “Yes.”

And… neither is any other mom. We all deal with life as it comes to us – in one shape or another.

End of Soapbox. If you want to read the other two posts – they are HERE and HERE. But, if you comment… out of respect for Mommies everywhere, please say, “I agree (or disagree) with this point of view (and anything else…) , but I respect you as a Mommy for saying what you think.”